her ashes are ready
Jul. 8th, 2009 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verushka70The funeral home called yesterday to say my mother's "cremains" (a bizarre phrase which is probably proprietary and patented or something) had returned from the crematory and are ready for interment. The only thing was to decide when to do the interment. (Mom wanted her ashes interred on her mother's grave.) Well, coordinating that with four siblings, one who lives out of state, is a challenge. But it looks like it will be Saturday.
People keep calling me and checking on me and I'm getting the feeling that people expect me to be more of a mess than I am. I am a mess, but not much more than I was before, and I haven't even been crying that much. Of course, at the wake, it took my sister-in-law's Xanax to even get me down the hall towards the main memorial room, let alone to the casket. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. It was weird crying. It was silent. I felt like I was choking. Every once in a while I would take these huge ragged gasps of air and I just felt so stupid.
But now that I've been living with it for a week and a half, I don't know, maybe I'm just numb, or still in shock, or something. I do know that my mom used to go camping with my stepdad a lot before they both got cancer, and she would often take a day trip or a day and night trip up to Madison (Wisc.) to visit my sister. So part of me is still listening for the garage door to go up, creaking and rattling, and for her keys to jingle outside the back door. But the rational parts of my mind know that will never happen again. But then I don't think my brain is particularly rational these days.
The trust papers were never signed. There's just the will. I'm the executor. The estate now must go through probate. Supposedly there's now an expedited probate system that gets estates through in 6 months. We'll see.
It's the stupid little things that are upsetting. The clematis had one damn bloom the day she died. Now it has seven. Why the hell couldn't it have had those seven before she died? conversely, why couldn't she have died after she got to see her clematis produce seven blossoms? Let alone the Asian tiger lilies that will be bursting open in all their fiery orange for a perfect contrast with the purple clematis. In about two weeks or more if it remains this cold...
Well, that's one thing. It's been really cool and drizzly or rainy most days since she died (and many days before she died). Apparently already by June, we were in our wettest year ever in Chicago, ever since they started keeping track. It's kind of nice to have the weather cooperate when you just don't feel like doing anything. I feel less bad staying inside sleeping, snoozing, reading, or watching TV when it's raining, cool, &/or ugly outside. If it were sunny and warm, I'd feel like I should be out in it... but if I were, I'd just resent the rest of the planet for not looking as sad and lousy as I feel.
Haven't yet written to the police officer who talked me through not going against my mom's DNR. He was a really good guy. I'll get to it. Everything I do takes me five times longer, now. But it gets done. Just really slowly.
Fortunately I am not dealing with crazed siblings who want to sell the house out from under me immediately for their share of the profits. Well, for one thing, we're all really in touch with reality. There are over 800 foreclosed or short-sale properties on sale in our neighborhood, including two three-flat multi-unit buildings on our block. None of the five of us are under any illusion that the house will sell quickly or at all in the next 2 years. This is especially nice since I still live there in the top floor apartment. And since I just started the RN-to-BSN program... although I'm on hiatus from that for now.
People keep calling me and checking on me and I'm getting the feeling that people expect me to be more of a mess than I am. I am a mess, but not much more than I was before, and I haven't even been crying that much. Of course, at the wake, it took my sister-in-law's Xanax to even get me down the hall towards the main memorial room, let alone to the casket. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. It was weird crying. It was silent. I felt like I was choking. Every once in a while I would take these huge ragged gasps of air and I just felt so stupid.
But now that I've been living with it for a week and a half, I don't know, maybe I'm just numb, or still in shock, or something. I do know that my mom used to go camping with my stepdad a lot before they both got cancer, and she would often take a day trip or a day and night trip up to Madison (Wisc.) to visit my sister. So part of me is still listening for the garage door to go up, creaking and rattling, and for her keys to jingle outside the back door. But the rational parts of my mind know that will never happen again. But then I don't think my brain is particularly rational these days.
The trust papers were never signed. There's just the will. I'm the executor. The estate now must go through probate. Supposedly there's now an expedited probate system that gets estates through in 6 months. We'll see.
It's the stupid little things that are upsetting. The clematis had one damn bloom the day she died. Now it has seven. Why the hell couldn't it have had those seven before she died? conversely, why couldn't she have died after she got to see her clematis produce seven blossoms? Let alone the Asian tiger lilies that will be bursting open in all their fiery orange for a perfect contrast with the purple clematis. In about two weeks or more if it remains this cold...
Well, that's one thing. It's been really cool and drizzly or rainy most days since she died (and many days before she died). Apparently already by June, we were in our wettest year ever in Chicago, ever since they started keeping track. It's kind of nice to have the weather cooperate when you just don't feel like doing anything. I feel less bad staying inside sleeping, snoozing, reading, or watching TV when it's raining, cool, &/or ugly outside. If it were sunny and warm, I'd feel like I should be out in it... but if I were, I'd just resent the rest of the planet for not looking as sad and lousy as I feel.
Haven't yet written to the police officer who talked me through not going against my mom's DNR. He was a really good guy. I'll get to it. Everything I do takes me five times longer, now. But it gets done. Just really slowly.
Fortunately I am not dealing with crazed siblings who want to sell the house out from under me immediately for their share of the profits. Well, for one thing, we're all really in touch with reality. There are over 800 foreclosed or short-sale properties on sale in our neighborhood, including two three-flat multi-unit buildings on our block. None of the five of us are under any illusion that the house will sell quickly or at all in the next 2 years. This is especially nice since I still live there in the top floor apartment. And since I just started the RN-to-BSN program... although I'm on hiatus from that for now.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-08 05:33 pm (UTC)Even over the coming months when you think you're doing better, something like a song, a smell, or just a beautiful day will remind you of her and it'll hit you all over again.
My mom died in 2005 and I still catch myself crying at the oddest things. You never stop missing her, but it does get a little bit easier as time passes. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. The pain is always there, just not quite as strong.
I hope your siblings don't act like asses about the house. It's amazing how petty families can be during this time when it comes to inheritance. You'd think it would bring people closer, and sometimes it does, but not always.
You have my deepest sympathy during this hard time.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-10 06:45 am (UTC)So far, family/sibs have been very excellent. I guess because we all just went through this in 2005 with my dad and then in 2007 with my step-dad, we're kind of like... I don't know, war buddies, almost. This is the worst war, and we've always had that dysfunctional kind of "I can hurt my sister, but don't you dare hurt my sister!" thing going on -- although obviously that improved greatly in adulthood when we weren't all living together and after our parents divorced -- but so far, everyone's been nothing but supportive each other and we've pulled together. In fact, I think we really surprised the hell out of my mom's lawyer this afternoon; he expected us to be like most families, going, "How soon can we sell the house so I can get my money?" and instead my brother and sisters were like, "Well, Viv lives there, so we don't need to sell the house right away, we don't want to sell the house out from under her." He just seemed really floored by that... which says a lot about what he normally sees, as you've said. I guess I'm pretty lucky with the sibs I got. We've all worked really hard and with each other to overcome some shitty dynamics that started when we were kids with my dad playing favorites. I guess it must have worked. Thank god. I'm not sure I could cope with a ton of family craziness on top of her dying.
Anyways, I do appreciate your taking the time to comment. And your kind thoughts. Thank you so much.