verushka70

I had this weird feeling there was something in my LJ I forgot to do for like the last few weeks but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Well, I realized I forgot to put here some snippets I originally wrote for ds_snippets. (I like to keep my own copies in my own LJS of stuff submitted on other comms.) It's all slash. ETA: When I first posted this, I myself forgot the last two were DC/HCL, not DC/DS. *headdesk* Not firing on all cylinders. And this is BEFORE any Xanax today. *sigh* OTOH, maybe it's just my subconscious telling me to write DC/DS Mike Sweeney/RayK. Like I didn't have enough going on with ficfinishing!

Snippet 1:
Title: Necessary Velocity
Fandom and Pairing: HCL, Joe/Billy
Rating: NC-17
Length: 283 words
Prompt: One hundred-eight – momentum, velocity, gravity, inertia, torsion

( . . .when he's exhausted like this, Joe rolls with just about anything. )

Snippet 2:
Title: Zero to Sixty in Half a Sec
Fandom and Pairing: HCL/Durham County, Billy Tallent/Mike Sweeney
Rating: R
Length: 294 words
Prompt: along the brittle treacherous bright streets
of memory comes my heart, singing like
an idiot,whispering like a drunken man
(e.e. cummings)

( Jenifur, collectively, prefer individual rooms. This suits Billy just fine. )
Snippet 3:
Title: All Bite
Fandom and Pairing: HCL/Durham County, Billy Tallent/Mike Sweeney
Rating: NC-17
Length: 300 words
Prompt: along the brittle treacherous bright streets
of memory comes my heart, singing like
an idiot,whispering like a drunken man
(e.e. cummings)

( He just nods, dazed, feeling drugged, though he's years clean and sober. )

Even though I missed signing up for Team Angst (which, if there were ever a team I was made for, it would be an angst team...), I wrote a drabble for their drabble tree anyway. But I didn't post it there. I think you're only supposed to post there if you're on the team, which I am not, sadly.

In response to where lights only burn in the rooms of the dying, which was spawned by nos4a2no9's "The Nightrunner" beginning riff I wrote what's below. Of course, it's not beta-ed, and there are grammatical problems. But, then, I guess that's the point of the drabble as writing exercise. So I exercised.

* * *

That overwhelming sense of failure had only increased upon finding himself flat on his back in a hospital bed, the antiseptic smell not only surrounding him, but becoming part of him and frightening him. Fraser's voyeuristic witnessing of Dr. Carter's romantic betrayal had sounded to its depths the deep well of his own sense of betrayal -- not Victoria's betrayal, but even more wrenchingly, his betrayal of himself.

Somehow, helping prevent a more murderous ending that would otherwise doubtless have occurred after witnessing Dr. Carter's unraveling did not ease his conscience. The first major obstacle to that was Ray's injury. But even witnessing Dr. Carter breaking down did not help Fraser forgive himself for his wretched ambivalence, his failure to draw a line within himself over which he would not step, no matter how badly he wanted to, because it was wrong. Even as he'd seen it in Dr. Carter, pointing a revolver at her young blackmailing lover, he had wanted to believe that he was somehow different from her, that that sort of reckless abandon, that sort of tidal emotionalism, wasn't also in himself.

At first, he'd imagined her rage like Victoria's: revenge, pure and simple, on the lover who betrayed her. But then Ray had reminded him: Benny, not every woman with long, dark hair tries to kill her lover. And then when he heard Dr. Carter speaking bitterly to her lover, describing the piecemeal tearing down of her heart -- it was as if that ache within himself, that down-to-the-bone pain, connected through the ethers to Dr. Carter's.

It was then that Fraser had understood Dr. Carter to be not like Victoria, but like himself. It was then that he had realized his furious pursuit of Victoria through the train station had not been motivated by the dictum "maintain the right" or any other sense of justice, ethics or morals. It was then that he realized he'd never thought far enough ahead as to what exactly he would do with Victoria when he caught her.
( Read more... )

One would think that by sharing my feelings -- although that was unintentional, and they only erupted out of me at his suggestion that we take the class -- one would think that sharing my feelings would have eased my burden somewhat.

But no. Instead, I've managed only to spread my doubts and fears to Ray, and soured things between us.

How I wish that I could undo the last month or so.

No, that's not entirely true. I wish that I could... could either remove the side of me that enjoys Ray's submission to me, or remove the weight of doubt, fear and guilt I carry because I know that there is such a side of myself.

I honestly don't know which I'd prefer to get rid of most: the weight of my emotions about that side of me, or that side of me itself. But if I can not do the former, then I must do the latter. I can't allow my internal problems to negatively affect Ray. It isn't fair, it isn't his fault... and he is essentially innocent in this.

It's true, I would never have had the nerve to go down this path without his... desire that we explore it. But he would not have encouraged me or been so enthusiastic, if he felt as bad about it as I do. Or if he'd known that that was how I felt, when I was away from him and... it.

( Read more... )