verushka70

One would think that by sharing my feelings -- although that was unintentional, and they only erupted out of me at his suggestion that we take the class -- one would think that sharing my feelings would have eased my burden somewhat.

But no. Instead, I've managed only to spread my doubts and fears to Ray, and soured things between us.

How I wish that I could undo the last month or so.

No, that's not entirely true. I wish that I could... could either remove the side of me that enjoys Ray's submission to me, or remove the weight of doubt, fear and guilt I carry because I know that there is such a side of myself.

I honestly don't know which I'd prefer to get rid of most: the weight of my emotions about that side of me, or that side of me itself. But if I can not do the former, then I must do the latter. I can't allow my internal problems to negatively affect Ray. It isn't fair, it isn't his fault... and he is essentially innocent in this.

It's true, I would never have had the nerve to go down this path without his... desire that we explore it. But he would not have encouraged me or been so enthusiastic, if he felt as bad about it as I do. Or if he'd known that that was how I felt, when I was away from him and... it.