her ashes are ready

[verushka70]

The funeral home called yesterday to say my mother's "cremains" (a bizarre phrase which is probably proprietary and patented or something) had returned from the crematory and are ready for interment. The only thing was to decide when to do the interment. (Mom wanted her ashes interred on her mother's grave.) Well, coordinating that with four siblings, one who lives out of state, is a challenge. But it looks like it will be Saturday.

People keep calling me and checking on me and I'm getting the feeling that people expect me to be more of a mess than I am. I am a mess, but not much more than I was before, and I haven't even been crying that much. Of course, at the wake, it took my sister-in-law's Xanax to even get me down the hall towards the main memorial room, let alone to the casket. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. It was weird crying. It was silent. I felt like I was choking. Every once in a while I would take these huge ragged gasps of air and I just felt so stupid.

But now that I've been living with it for a week and a half, I don't know, maybe I'm just numb, or still in shock, or something. I do know that my mom used to go camping with my stepdad a lot before they both got cancer, and she would often take a day trip or a day and night trip up to Madison (Wisc.) to visit my sister. So part of me is still listening for the garage door to go up, creaking and rattling, and for her keys to jingle outside the back door. But the rational parts of my mind know that will never happen again. But then I don't think my brain is particularly rational these days.

The trust papers were never signed. There's just the will. I'm the executor. The estate now must go through probate. Supposedly there's now an expedited probate system that gets estates through in 6 months. We'll see.

It's the stupid little things that are upsetting. The clematis had one damn bloom the day she died. Now it has seven. Why the hell couldn't it have had those seven before she died? conversely, why couldn't she have died after she got to see her clematis produce seven blossoms? Let alone the Asian tiger lilies that will be bursting open in all their fiery orange for a perfect contrast with the purple clematis. In about two weeks or more if it remains this cold...

Well, that's one thing. It's been really cool and drizzly or rainy most days since she died (and many days before she died). Apparently already by June, we were in our wettest year ever in Chicago, ever since they started keeping track. It's kind of nice to have the weather cooperate when you just don't feel like doing anything. I feel less bad staying inside sleeping, snoozing, reading, or watching TV when it's raining, cool, &/or ugly outside. If it were sunny and warm, I'd feel like I should be out in it... but if I were, I'd just resent the rest of the planet for not looking as sad and lousy as I feel.

Haven't yet written to the police officer who talked me through not going against my mom's DNR. He was a really good guy. I'll get to it. Everything I do takes me five times longer, now. But it gets done. Just really slowly.

Fortunately I am not dealing with crazed siblings who want to sell the house out from under me immediately for their share of the profits. Well, for one thing, we're all really in touch with reality. There are over 800 foreclosed or short-sale properties on sale in our neighborhood, including two three-flat multi-unit buildings on our block. None of the five of us are under any illusion that the house will sell quickly or at all in the next 2 years. This is especially nice since I still live there in the top floor apartment. And since I just started the RN-to-BSN program... although I'm on hiatus from that for now.

Comments

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

You never know how it's going to hit, you know? There's no way to grieve wrong, short of violence.

When my dad died I was more or less subdued-but-okay whenever anyone else was around, and was often completely ambushed with wracking sobs when I was driving alone.

*hugs you*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Spuffy (may I call you Spuffy?). I was on the phone with a friend last night 'til 5am and he told me much the same; he was fine for days, weeks at a time after his mom died, but then sometimes a movie or poignant moment in a song or TV show would set him off and he'd be sobbing for the next three hours. I confess I am avoiding all things sentimental (other than my young nephews, a couple of whom are too young to really understand, and ask tough questions with no real answers that satisfy their need to know what happened to their grandmother). But then, I'm also not seeking out exclusively comedic entertainment either, so I'm not in total avoidance mode. I thought I would lose it at the end of Public Enemies, but I didn't. Quite. Anyway, thank you for the kind thoughts.