backup story for ds_team_angst!

[verushka70]

So I've been hit up to take one of my unfinished angsty drabbles and transform it into a back-up story for the ds_team_angst team in the ds_match challenge about to start (tomorrow!) on ds_flashfiction. Shit! I'm scared but I'm determined to rise to the challenge. Nothing to lose and hopefully only heartbreaking angst, crotchthrobbing smut, and possibly even an illogically happy resolution, to gain. Eeep!

Well, this is a very welcome distraction from my rather black and foul state of mood and mind lately. The chaplain that sort of "emceed" my stepfather's wake service mentioned something about death bringing clarity to one's perspective, a stripping away of all but what is essential.

Unfortunately for me, this clarity has led me to a dark place where basically I find that nothing is essential, including my job, and, increasingly, myself as well. I've almost called in sick three of my last four shifts.

So my clarity is this: Everything we do is fuckin' pointless, this is the only life you get, and consider how long you're going to be dead before deciding on any course of action -- and then decide.

(This leads to thoughts such as: I'm gonna be dead a really, really, really long fucking time. Do I want to spend my short life working for a living, or living?) the answer is not working for a living.

I know it's my usual depression talking, just ramped up and exacerbated by the rapid downturn and death of my stepdad. But at the same time, it also seems highly fucking logical. And part of me is thinking, Go ahead and call in. How long are you going to be dead? Do you want to spend your remaining moments doing this? Do you really fucking care if you lose this job? (And the answer, since my stepdad died, has been: no, I really don't care if I lose this job.)

Actually, I really don't care about anything at all anymore. The things I do care about, I'm powerless to effect or change. And the things I have some level of influence or control over, I don't give a shit about.

This is why it's great that I got tagged for the backup fic. If I hadn't, I would merely have more time to spend thinking bad, negative thoughts on the pointlessness of living.

Comments

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

The only thing I can really think to say is that in your job, you might be helping people to live *their* lives. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you might be in the right place at the right time for someone. *hugs*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Strangely (or not), the only little happiness I get out of life lately is when patients thank me for what I've done or say that my efforts helped them feel better. I switched to a new shift -- nights -- and while I love the shift, I can't stand most of my new co-workers and I miss my day shift co-workers. The day people were supportive, helpful, friendly. The night people are pretty cold, mostly unhelpful, and prefer to spend most of their time standing outside by the ambulances smoking. It's just... more depressing on top of the already depressing stuff.

So, you're probably right. About the only time I feel good lately about anything is when someone whose been miserable in pain or sick says they feel better because of stuff I did.

[callumvixen.livejournal.com]

Ive been to that dark place you are in now, more than once. For me it is a part of a process, and i think it has helped me focus on what is really important to me. its probably hard for you to see outside of that darkness now. i did some crazy [read: stupid/dangerous] stuff when ive been in that dark place. dont recommend that, but i was beyond caring what anyone else thought or consulting any common sense.

the fact that you are writing about it is a start. the only guidance i can offer is this: you have to work through it at your own pace and you cant just go around it - you MUST go through it. i tried to avoid it, circumvent that natural process, skip it - it made it worse and totally fucked me up worse.

and it gets better. you might not believe it now, but it does. *hugs you*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know you're right. I tried to avoid it once before, after a devastating breakup. But six months of numbing it with booze and weed didn't get me around it. It just procrastinated the pain and made it that much worse when it settled on me like a ton of bricks, and I had to stop the liquor & pot before I really screwed up and lost my job too. Sigh. So I know you're right, but... this really sucks. :(

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

One of the important things to learn about dealing with depression for me has been to realize that the things that seem logical, well, they aren't always.

Still, these are good questions to ask yourself from time to time. What would be living, for you? Because you're right, this is your only chance to do it.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Well, you're right, of course. Depression certainly impacts one's ability to judge things and one's perceptions.

On the other hand, they did find in some research in the 90s that the people who were most depressed were also the most intelligent and the most likely to have an accurate perception of the world, current events, etc. So I guess if you're smart enough to see what's wrong around you, you're likelier to be depressed about what you see.

I don't know what exactly would be living for me right now. I've been through so much crap in the last four years, I feel like I've lived a hundred lifetimes sometimes. I had a major medical problem, then I got laid off, got unemployment (for the first time, ever), went back to school, my bio father got hit by a car and his legs were broken, I spent a lot of time taking care of him, I got into nursing school and tried to survive, my father died, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my stepfather was diagnosed with cancer, I finished nursing school, I started a new job, and my stepfather -- a man so much more emotionally evolved than my bio dad -- died. Oh, and I had a boyfriend for most of this time, but we broke up and made up so many times I can't remember how many times it was. And we're not exactly, um, deliriously happy with each other presently.

So right about now, laying in the grass and watching the clouds go by seems like living to me. Watching the sun slowly move across the sky. Seeing the orange and yellow leaves of autumn blow across the streets. Reading a good book. Petting and snuggling with my cats. Throwing a ball again and again and again and again for my sister's irrepressibly happy black lab mix dog.

Of course, none of these pays the bills. Damn.

[callumvixen.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, they did find in some research in the 90s that the people who were most depressed were also the most intelligent and the most likely to have an accurate perception of the world, current events, etc. So I guess if you're smart enough to see what's wrong around you, you're likelier to be depressed about what you see.

this is very true! ah to be blissfully ignorant for a day... *g*

So right about now, laying in the grass and watching the clouds go by seems like living to me. Watching the sun slowly move across the sky. Seeing the orange and yellow leaves of autumn blow across the streets. Reading a good book. Petting and snuggling with my cats. Throwing a ball again and again and again and again for my sister's irrepressibly happy black lab mix dog.

most people live in the past or in the future and do not appreciate the present. that you are enjoying the little things around you that most people see but do not SEE is wonderful. and healing. ya, it dont pay the bills, but i find if i set aside time for myself as often as possible that it keeps me level, no matter how much crap is going on around me.

and it sounds like you have had more than your fair share of crap around you. i think you deserve a free ride for a few years :)