I'm a fuckin' idiot.

Well, I'm an idiot. I participated in a fic thing, and the writers weren't supposed to be revealed 'til my nephew's birthday (oddly enough). But I forgot about that, because I was just stressed and needing escapism and validation and ego pets, and I commented on my own story in the fic thing yesterday, which was too early. And thus revealed myself as an author days before that was supposed to happen. I'm the only moron who did so. Of course. And this is the first fic thing I've participated in since, I dunno, maybe 1999 or 2000? Back when I was prolific. Back before I started my long, slow, downward slide.

I just feel so stupid. Lately I just can't seem to get anything right... not even the simplest things. It's not just RL stepping all over me, my mother, my family; it's other things, too. Stupid shit I've done to myself. Fuckups with friends. Getting snappy with people who are only in my face because they care. Misjudging guys' intentions (fucking humiliating; took me 6 weeks to get past that bomb and try to go back to being "just friends" with C---), making a misbegotten play for a single guy at school (and failing abysmally, despite my friends telling me he acted like he had a thing for me), then falling back into bed with my ex. Add to all that feeling stretched in a zillion directions, feeling like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
( Read more... )