I'm a fuckin' idiot.

[verushka70]

Well, I'm an idiot. I participated in a fic thing, and the writers weren't supposed to be revealed 'til my nephew's birthday (oddly enough). But I forgot about that, because I was just stressed and needing escapism and validation and ego pets, and I commented on my own story in the fic thing yesterday, which was too early. And thus revealed myself as an author days before that was supposed to happen. I'm the only moron who did so. Of course. And this is the first fic thing I've participated in since, I dunno, maybe 1999 or 2000? Back when I was prolific. Back before I started my long, slow, downward slide.

I just feel so stupid. Lately I just can't seem to get anything right... not even the simplest things. It's not just RL stepping all over me, my mother, my family; it's other things, too. Stupid shit I've done to myself. Fuckups with friends. Getting snappy with people who are only in my face because they care. Misjudging guys' intentions (fucking humiliating; took me 6 weeks to get past that bomb and try to go back to being "just friends" with C---), making a misbegotten play for a single guy at school (and failing abysmally, despite my friends telling me he acted like he had a thing for me), then falling back into bed with my ex. Add to all that feeling stretched in a zillion directions, feeling like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I know I should get some counseling to get me through all this but where would I fit it into my already full & fucked up life? I'm trying to see my mom 2 x a day in the hospital, go to school, act as the newly official president of the nursing students club, do my homework, call my mom's friends & family to keep them up to date on her progress, & study for the fucking tests that keep coming like there's no tomorrow. I can't do it, I can't do all this, not without fucking up (obviously). Like failing last week's Med/Surg III test wasn't enough. Then I fuck up this fic thing. Which, strangely, concerns me more than the failed Med/Surg test. I should care more about the school failure. But that wasn't a personal fuckup, somehow; that was sheer impersonal, bad-student, poor-study-habits, I-didn't-fucking-read-or-study-because-I-just-didn't-have-time-&-I'm-losing-my-shit-here.

Can't blame the instructor for that. Can't blame anyone but me for the fic thing, either. Except myself. Jesus, I just can't get shit right these days. I keep wondering when it will all stop, give me a breather, but it just feels like I'm walking around with a fucking raincloud over me, one that follows me wherever I go. Periodically, I wonder if there's some astrological bad alignments going on, or sun spot activity, or something that's making my life turn to shit on so many fronts at once. Not even just my life... even some of my friends. R--- whose mother died in late November and whose aunt (a second mother) just died in early April. S--- whose mother has this growing mass on her throat that isn't related to her thyroid (she's been tested). E--- who had 3 cousins killed at once in a car accident. It's like, is there something in the air over all of us? Something that's just shitting on everyone? Or am I just being "true to myself" and fucking up like I always eventually seem to? I've even lost confidence that I'll make it through school. I'm not even sure I care at this point, though it would be a huge pain to have put in all this work for nothing. As soon as finals week is over, I start the LPN bridge course, the course that will make me eligible for the NCLEX-LPN exam. Something to get employment with if I can't finish out the second year next year... which may happen, now, with my mom's cancer, surgery, recovery, upcoming chemo.

I'm really fucking tired of feeling beat down by life. Like the last 3 years, my father's accident & long slow slide into death, wasn't bad enough; like losing my job & going back to school (and being 5-20 years older than my fellow students) wasn't bad enough. As if all that wasn't bad enough, I shoot myself in the foot too. Classic. Classic, fuckup me. And I dunno why I'm so embarrassed by the fic thing fuckup. I've fucked up & humiliated myself in what seems like so many other, more intense, RL ways in the last two months. But the fic thing bothers me so much more, because I don't want to make myself known as (a) a moron and (b) unclear on the concept. I'm afraid no one will let me participate in anything again because I fucked this up. And this is my escape -- writing fanfic, dreaming up dynamics, plots, scenarios, turns of phrase... it's calming and de-stressing in a drug-like way. And I don't want to lose that. I suppose -- the rational side of my brain whispers -- it's unlikely people will refuse to let me participate in future fic thingies. But the irrational, much larger, and much louder side of my brain says: of course they won't, and who could blame them?

Sigh. Triple-sigh. Climbing back under my rock now. Wasted too much time already. Fucking up again.

Comments

[brooklinegirl.livejournal.com]

dude, darling, do not WORRY about it. I started leaving feedback and made it through about six fics before I realized, hi, commenting on EVERY ONE BUT MINE will kind of indicate WHICH is mine. It's fandom, we are all PRETTY like that. I know a million other things are dragging you down in real life - don't let this be a big thing!

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Well, thanks. I feel a bit better. But still kinda stupid. Sigh.

[grey853.livejournal.com]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's *just* a fic thing. You've got a lot of personal crap on your plate right now. Just one of those things is enough to throw most people for a loop.

From personal experience I know this is a tough time and I also know that if you don't take a little time off for just you, it'll only get tougher.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's just such a bad time to try to take time for myself. I've got 3 tests and 2 final exams in the next 2 weeks in nursing school. And my mother might be coming home tomorrow or Friday, depends how the broncoscopy/suctioning goes tomorrow. And she lives in the apartment beneath mine, so even if one of my other sisters comes, I'll be the major caregiver because I'm the one that's there, and my stepfather's getting kinda weak and frail himself. There's just no way up, over, or around any of this. The only way is through, but it's so hard sometimes.

I really do appreciate the encouragement you've given me in your comments. It helps to know someone else survived this sort of thing. I know the tough times won't last forever -- it felt like that when my father was dying, but then months later it all seemed like a distant nightmare. But when you're in the middle of it, it really seems like there is no end and whenever you think it can't get worse, it does...

[grey853.livejournal.com]

Been there, done that. I won't go into all the details, but my mom had breast and lung cancer for 4 years before dying last March. It was the toughest time for everyone, her especially. As bad as I felt or my sisters felt, I had to keep reminding myself that she was the one who suffered the most. That's kind of hard to keep in perspective when you're in the middle of it though. I wish you and yours all the best of luck. Like you, I tended to overstretch, and that ended up affecting my health around the second year. I had to learn to pace myself, and that is really difficult when there are so many demands. I had to again remind myself that it wouldn't help my mom or anyone else if I ended up killing myself in the process of trying to care for her. So, again, just try to take time for yourself whenever you can.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right. I sort of lost my shit (by myself, quietly, in my own apartment, not near my mom) & called a local crisis line. They're hooking me up with crisis counseling, maybe something more long term. It's true, I wouldn't be much good to my mom if I lost my shit completely. I forget about that. She's better than when she came home; noticeably improved, I should say. So that's good. School stuff is still kicking my butt, but I have more time for it now.

[grey853.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you took steps to get help so that you can handle things during this difficult time. Good luck with that.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

You are not an idiot. In fact, you are a brilliant writer. And if people refuse to let you participate over this, then it's their loss.

I don't understand the anonymous thing anyway... if the point is that it's a present for someone, what does it matter if you know who wrote it the day it's posted or a week from now? Frankly I have been avoiding most of the stuff posted UNTIL the unveiling because I'm not going to go waste my time reading characterisations that will just piss me off. (Ooh - prejudging? Moi? Never! *g*)

{{big giant hugs}}

You are NOT a fuckup.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You are so sweet. I dunno about the anon thing, either; I've never done a fic exchange before (I only just got on LJ, like, last November). It wouldn't matter to me who wrote something for me, I'd just enjoy it, but I guess the point is the "secret Santa" aspect of it. For this exchange, I just wanted to participate for the challenge of it and to stretch myself a little. I don't know about the other participants, but I got a lot out of it, figuratively and literally! I got a cool Joe/Mamet story (wacky, I know) which has strangely spurred on my little Joe/Jerry Bines thoughts. Plus I never thought I'd write as much Joe/Billy as I did, but I'm glad it happened, and all the credit (or blame) goes to my participation in the exchange. It was so nice to slip into/construct a few different versions of their world, and leave mine behind for a while.

Anyway, thanks so much for your supportive comments. Way big hugs right back atcha.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

I guess I should clarify this post! I mean anonymous things in general, not the specific hcl_fic challenge. Hell, I participated in one last summer and I don't MIND that they're anonymous, I just don't see the point is all. *g*

[dayse.livejournal.com]

Nooo, nooo - don't feel stupid! Trust me, for reasons that I cannot get into right now regarding the hcl_fic exchange, I have much much much more reason to feel stupid than you (not to mention like a big asshat).

It was an honest mistake, and you know, I loved your fic dearly and so did a lot of other people and that's all that matters.

You are by no means a fuck-up. *high-fives*

ETA: xD pay no attention to that person who just replyed to you

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope that you like the other fics as well. They were either all written for the fic-exchange, or inspired by the writing I did for the fic-exchange... so in that respect, they wouldn't exist at all if you hadn't requested what you did, and if I hadn't been trying to fulfill the requests. So, technically, they were "dayse-inspired" Joe/Billy fics. I hope that in at least one of them (maybe more if I'm lucky!) I showed "the good side" of Joe/Billy... not just the dysfunction!

But sometimes dysfunction and the good points seem like tree roots: inextricably intermingled... at least in RL. When viewed big-picture. Maybe. I think...