the decision taken from me. she's gone.
Apr. 27th, 2010 06:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verushka70Kako went into respiratory distress and then arrest around 2:50am this morning. They called me around 3:00am because I had chosen no intubation on the DNR when she was admitted. The night emergency vet said she didn't think she could keep Kako alive long enough for me to say good bye. I said I would come out anyway and that if she was suffering and distressed, that they should take her (euthanise) or let her go. I got there too late. She had already died at 3:15. I didn't ask if she died, or they euthanised her, and they didn't tell me.
I didn't get to say goodbye. I feel terrible, like she died without me, not knowing that I didn't just leave her there, I brought her so she could get better, and I *was* coming back for her -- if she would have made it. But by the time they decided they should keep her one more night, it was too late to leave home and make it there before visiting hours were over Monday night.
After I got there, they let me hold her little body and spend time with her when I got there. She was already cold even though she was wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Her mouth was curled up in a little grimace that told me pretty much all I needed to know. I feel so horrible for not being there. It makes me wish I had just kept her with me Sunday and never brought her in, if this was going to be the end result. She would have died in just as much distress, probably, and faster -- but *with* me, not without me. I hope she didn't feel I abandoned her, that I left her with strangers. Even though that's pretty much what I did. I know we can't know what animals think, but I guess I feel guilty and like I let her down, and I'm afraid that at the end, she wondered where was I and why I wasn't with her.
I want to thank everyone who's commented. I truly appreciate it. I would answer everyone individually, but I'm too exhausted. I just got home a little while ago. But it is appreciated. You've all been so kind. I only hope I deserve it. I don't feel like it right now. I feel like I failed my cat.
I remember a line from the X-Files, from Cigarette Smoking Man: "Regret is an inevitable consequence of life." Yeah, pretty much.
I didn't get to say goodbye. I feel terrible, like she died without me, not knowing that I didn't just leave her there, I brought her so she could get better, and I *was* coming back for her -- if she would have made it. But by the time they decided they should keep her one more night, it was too late to leave home and make it there before visiting hours were over Monday night.
After I got there, they let me hold her little body and spend time with her when I got there. She was already cold even though she was wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Her mouth was curled up in a little grimace that told me pretty much all I needed to know. I feel so horrible for not being there. It makes me wish I had just kept her with me Sunday and never brought her in, if this was going to be the end result. She would have died in just as much distress, probably, and faster -- but *with* me, not without me. I hope she didn't feel I abandoned her, that I left her with strangers. Even though that's pretty much what I did. I know we can't know what animals think, but I guess I feel guilty and like I let her down, and I'm afraid that at the end, she wondered where was I and why I wasn't with her.
I want to thank everyone who's commented. I truly appreciate it. I would answer everyone individually, but I'm too exhausted. I just got home a little while ago. But it is appreciated. You've all been so kind. I only hope I deserve it. I don't feel like it right now. I feel like I failed my cat.
I remember a line from the X-Files, from Cigarette Smoking Man: "Regret is an inevitable consequence of life." Yeah, pretty much.