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verushka70Joe held a gun to my head and made me write HCL fic for the HCL fic exchange while I was supposed to be studying for pharmacology. He made me fail my pharmacology exam!
Not true, of course. I did it to myself. Plus, everyone else I talked to also failed that pharmacology exam (9 people so far), so I don't feel so bad. I've still got two more exams, a final, two more case studies, and some extra credit to help me pull my grade up. (It's a C so far... y'know, with all the drugs I've taken over the years, street and Rx, and all the reading I've done on psychopharmacology of street and pharmaceutical drugs, I thought I'd ace pharmacology... but, like a lot of nursing school, things didn't turn out the way I expected...)
Nursing school is killing me. The pharmacology exam was Thursday (I got 71 percent, a failing grade). We had a med/surg II exam Friday (got a 92, an A -- yay...). I can't keep all those fucking insulins and their peaks, onsets, and durations straight except the peakless one. And it pisses me off, because RL nurses would just consult a drug book or call the pharmacy or whatever... why do we have to know this off the tops of our heads??
And our care plan was originally due Friday, too (our instructor relented; it's now due by 8am tomorrow; I'm about 2/3 done). Then when I was doing my one-day OR observation (I watched a double mastectomy -- very interesting, but also very, very sobering), the OR nurse & I were talking and she said she never does care plans like the ones in school, that they're just "busywork." Grrrr! Our fucking care plan form the teachers are making us use is 18 pages long before you even enter anything into it!)
Shit, I needed to de-stress somehow, so the HCL fic was both stress relief ...and added stress.
Clearly, I am getting better about procrastinating. I procrastinated my nursing school paper, but I successfully finished 3 HCL stories (shorter ones, not like my usual long-ass stuff) a month before the deadline for the exchange!
The deadline for those is 4/19. So some time after 4/19, the two stories I don't submit for the challenge will be on my LJ... (haven't decided yet which story best fulfills my secret recipient's wishes)
And writing these HCL fics has given me more confidence to finish my Joe/Billy WIP. My beta is probably pissed at me, as I've made no progress on it since she sent me her beta notes. But I have this week off (after I finish this $&#*! paper and get my crown fixed, the final step in the horrible root canal process).
I don't want to say the 3 new HCL stories were writing exercises because that sounds horribly pedantic and boring (and although they're not PWP, there's intense, graphic sex in all three). And because I really got caught up in writing them. But I think they really helped kickstart my HCL headspace so I can continue/finish the long-ass WIP on my LJ.
I wish I could put them up for comments now, but I can't. Soon! By the time I post them, I'll be closer to the end of this godawful semester...! Ready for a few pitchers of margaritas, definitely.
With only one problem... I'm taking the LPN bridge course because they "strongly suggest" we take it... and that starts immediately after finals are over, and goes until 7/1. Then I'll start the online version of NUR221 (a new experiment; they've never taught the classroom portion online before). That will run from 7/1 to week 3 in August. My summer will be ruined. Then the Fall semester of my 2nd year of nursing school will start in the 3rd week in August.
Oh, and if I get my shit in gear, I will try to get a nursing externship at Mt. Sinai, possibly one of the worst "combat medicine" type hospitals on the west side of Chicago. (They're like half a mile from Cook County Jail...) Gunshots, stabbings, etc. -- sounds like trial by fire, but I figure if I can learn nursing skills under those circumstances (and underfunding, and clique-ish nursing, or so I've heard), then I can be a nurse anywhere...
Fucking hell. It really sucks that my life is planned out for the next year+. It's hard to have a life under these circumstances. Then again, if I didn't spend what little leisure time I have writing fanfic, I might have time to pursue one of the single guys at school. But the most recent venture (email to see if a platonic friend was interestd in more than platonic stuff with me) was such an abysmal failure, now I'm too chicken. It'll take me a while to get my nerve up again.
Or maybe I'll go back to the one bar I went to in the last six months, and see if the kindly bartender with the nice hands is single and willing to be thrown down in bed and had. If I were younger, I'd have done it already, but the email thing with C---- damaged my confidence, for now. I keep thinking: how could I have gotten that wrong? All the signals were there. My friend M--- says it's because C---- is "the most asexual person I've ever known." (He'd know; they're room mates.)
Whatever. I'm not going back down that road. C---- didn't even give me the favor of a reply by email. Then he calls me up over a week later, in the afternoon. I'm gone, have been gone since 9am because even though normally, it is my day off from school, I had a 9am appointment with my case study group to do our case study, a 12pm appointment with my other study group to study for an exam, and then at 4pm we went to the hospital to get our patient assignments and copy down all the stuff we need for the clinical prep and pathophysiology docs due at 7am the next morning for our clinicals.
This is the message C---- left: "Hi, it's my birthday... I was wondering what you're doing later tonight... I... uh... I didn't plan this day out very well." click
WTF was that? By the time I got home from the hospital, ate dinner, and called him back, it was after 7pm. We chatted superficially by phone, and he never mentioned the email from a week & 1/2 before, in which I asked if he had more-than-platonic feelings for me. Or the one I sent five days later saying, never mind, no answer gives me your answer, I return you to your regularly scheduled bachelor life.
And I, of course, did not bring it up either. Maybe we'll salvage the friendship from this, but I haven't talked to him since then, and he hasn't called me either.
My other friend M----- says that C---- didn't respond at first because I freaked him the hell out because he did want me, but he's a divorced, confirmed bachelor, intellectual computer geek (I love geeks! I am a geek, in my heart of hearts!), and I'm way too earthy and sensual for a man like that, but he obviously does want me because he called me up on his birthday.
But even though that was some consolation, it's no real help. I'm just sort of like, okay, he's X-ed off the "possibilities" list. I saw the history instructor I had 1.5 yrs ago in the parking lot Friday, and man, he looked so fine. The man must buy his suits where the Chicago Bulls shop; he's so freakin' tall. And sexy. Goatee and everything. If only I could be sure he (a) wasn't married and (b) was going to reciprocate my interest.
Then there's S---- in my nursing classes. He has, apparently, been going around broadcasting the fact that he is single. He's a cop (fetish-istic possibilities, there!) who's becoming a nurse. My friend M----- says when he was in school, he had to broadcast the fact that he was single because most of the girls in his classes were married. Well, I have no idea if S---- would even give me a secong glance, but at least I am in the right demographic for him: I'm a single woman. Besides, he's another long tall drink of water I'd love to throw down and have my way with.
I so need a man. I don't actually need a relationship (although I'd like one; I doubt I could sustain one right now, what with school and the stress). But damn, I need a man, I need some sex, I need naked guyflesh skin-to-skin with me. Nursing school gives me no time to find anyone... for something serious and longterm, or even for something short term and sexual.
And then my lack of confidence doesn't help. Damn you, C----.
And if S---- is totally uninterested and I made my interest known, then I'd have to go to school with him for the next year+. I'm sure I'd get over that humiliation, but I'd sure like to avoid it if possible...
Contemplating it sucks, but I haven't actually been rejected all that much. It just feels that way to me right now. I've got about a 50% success rate over the 20 years I've been dating... half of them (including C----) were not interested, and half of them were and we ended up in a relationship together.
If it was a muliple choice question I didn't know the answer to, and I had eliminted 2 of 4 choices, I'd have a 50% chance and I'd guess and go for it. But somehow those don't seem like good enough odds for putting myself out there and being passed over.
I hate dating. I wish I could just skip straight to the solidified relationship and the warm man in my bed. wtf.
Not true, of course. I did it to myself. Plus, everyone else I talked to also failed that pharmacology exam (9 people so far), so I don't feel so bad. I've still got two more exams, a final, two more case studies, and some extra credit to help me pull my grade up. (It's a C so far... y'know, with all the drugs I've taken over the years, street and Rx, and all the reading I've done on psychopharmacology of street and pharmaceutical drugs, I thought I'd ace pharmacology... but, like a lot of nursing school, things didn't turn out the way I expected...)
Nursing school is killing me. The pharmacology exam was Thursday (I got 71 percent, a failing grade). We had a med/surg II exam Friday (got a 92, an A -- yay...). I can't keep all those fucking insulins and their peaks, onsets, and durations straight except the peakless one. And it pisses me off, because RL nurses would just consult a drug book or call the pharmacy or whatever... why do we have to know this off the tops of our heads??
And our care plan was originally due Friday, too (our instructor relented; it's now due by 8am tomorrow; I'm about 2/3 done). Then when I was doing my one-day OR observation (I watched a double mastectomy -- very interesting, but also very, very sobering), the OR nurse & I were talking and she said she never does care plans like the ones in school, that they're just "busywork." Grrrr! Our fucking care plan form the teachers are making us use is 18 pages long before you even enter anything into it!)
Shit, I needed to de-stress somehow, so the HCL fic was both stress relief ...and added stress.
Clearly, I am getting better about procrastinating. I procrastinated my nursing school paper, but I successfully finished 3 HCL stories (shorter ones, not like my usual long-ass stuff) a month before the deadline for the exchange!
The deadline for those is 4/19. So some time after 4/19, the two stories I don't submit for the challenge will be on my LJ... (haven't decided yet which story best fulfills my secret recipient's wishes)
And writing these HCL fics has given me more confidence to finish my Joe/Billy WIP. My beta is probably pissed at me, as I've made no progress on it since she sent me her beta notes. But I have this week off (after I finish this $&#*! paper and get my crown fixed, the final step in the horrible root canal process).
I don't want to say the 3 new HCL stories were writing exercises because that sounds horribly pedantic and boring (and although they're not PWP, there's intense, graphic sex in all three). And because I really got caught up in writing them. But I think they really helped kickstart my HCL headspace so I can continue/finish the long-ass WIP on my LJ.
I wish I could put them up for comments now, but I can't. Soon! By the time I post them, I'll be closer to the end of this godawful semester...! Ready for a few pitchers of margaritas, definitely.
With only one problem... I'm taking the LPN bridge course because they "strongly suggest" we take it... and that starts immediately after finals are over, and goes until 7/1. Then I'll start the online version of NUR221 (a new experiment; they've never taught the classroom portion online before). That will run from 7/1 to week 3 in August. My summer will be ruined. Then the Fall semester of my 2nd year of nursing school will start in the 3rd week in August.
Oh, and if I get my shit in gear, I will try to get a nursing externship at Mt. Sinai, possibly one of the worst "combat medicine" type hospitals on the west side of Chicago. (They're like half a mile from Cook County Jail...) Gunshots, stabbings, etc. -- sounds like trial by fire, but I figure if I can learn nursing skills under those circumstances (and underfunding, and clique-ish nursing, or so I've heard), then I can be a nurse anywhere...
Fucking hell. It really sucks that my life is planned out for the next year+. It's hard to have a life under these circumstances. Then again, if I didn't spend what little leisure time I have writing fanfic, I might have time to pursue one of the single guys at school. But the most recent venture (email to see if a platonic friend was interestd in more than platonic stuff with me) was such an abysmal failure, now I'm too chicken. It'll take me a while to get my nerve up again.
Or maybe I'll go back to the one bar I went to in the last six months, and see if the kindly bartender with the nice hands is single and willing to be thrown down in bed and had. If I were younger, I'd have done it already, but the email thing with C---- damaged my confidence, for now. I keep thinking: how could I have gotten that wrong? All the signals were there. My friend M--- says it's because C---- is "the most asexual person I've ever known." (He'd know; they're room mates.)
Whatever. I'm not going back down that road. C---- didn't even give me the favor of a reply by email. Then he calls me up over a week later, in the afternoon. I'm gone, have been gone since 9am because even though normally, it is my day off from school, I had a 9am appointment with my case study group to do our case study, a 12pm appointment with my other study group to study for an exam, and then at 4pm we went to the hospital to get our patient assignments and copy down all the stuff we need for the clinical prep and pathophysiology docs due at 7am the next morning for our clinicals.
This is the message C---- left: "Hi, it's my birthday... I was wondering what you're doing later tonight... I... uh... I didn't plan this day out very well." click
WTF was that? By the time I got home from the hospital, ate dinner, and called him back, it was after 7pm. We chatted superficially by phone, and he never mentioned the email from a week & 1/2 before, in which I asked if he had more-than-platonic feelings for me. Or the one I sent five days later saying, never mind, no answer gives me your answer, I return you to your regularly scheduled bachelor life.
And I, of course, did not bring it up either. Maybe we'll salvage the friendship from this, but I haven't talked to him since then, and he hasn't called me either.
My other friend M----- says that C---- didn't respond at first because I freaked him the hell out because he did want me, but he's a divorced, confirmed bachelor, intellectual computer geek (I love geeks! I am a geek, in my heart of hearts!), and I'm way too earthy and sensual for a man like that, but he obviously does want me because he called me up on his birthday.
But even though that was some consolation, it's no real help. I'm just sort of like, okay, he's X-ed off the "possibilities" list. I saw the history instructor I had 1.5 yrs ago in the parking lot Friday, and man, he looked so fine. The man must buy his suits where the Chicago Bulls shop; he's so freakin' tall. And sexy. Goatee and everything. If only I could be sure he (a) wasn't married and (b) was going to reciprocate my interest.
Then there's S---- in my nursing classes. He has, apparently, been going around broadcasting the fact that he is single. He's a cop (fetish-istic possibilities, there!) who's becoming a nurse. My friend M----- says when he was in school, he had to broadcast the fact that he was single because most of the girls in his classes were married. Well, I have no idea if S---- would even give me a secong glance, but at least I am in the right demographic for him: I'm a single woman. Besides, he's another long tall drink of water I'd love to throw down and have my way with.
I so need a man. I don't actually need a relationship (although I'd like one; I doubt I could sustain one right now, what with school and the stress). But damn, I need a man, I need some sex, I need naked guyflesh skin-to-skin with me. Nursing school gives me no time to find anyone... for something serious and longterm, or even for something short term and sexual.
And then my lack of confidence doesn't help. Damn you, C----.
And if S---- is totally uninterested and I made my interest known, then I'd have to go to school with him for the next year+. I'm sure I'd get over that humiliation, but I'd sure like to avoid it if possible...
Contemplating it sucks, but I haven't actually been rejected all that much. It just feels that way to me right now. I've got about a 50% success rate over the 20 years I've been dating... half of them (including C----) were not interested, and half of them were and we ended up in a relationship together.
If it was a muliple choice question I didn't know the answer to, and I had eliminted 2 of 4 choices, I'd have a 50% chance and I'd guess and go for it. But somehow those don't seem like good enough odds for putting myself out there and being passed over.
I hate dating. I wish I could just skip straight to the solidified relationship and the warm man in my bed. wtf.