grades, survival, Down To The Bone
Feb. 14th, 2006 12:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verushka70Passed my Med/Surg 1 module Final Exam last Friday with a 93, an A. Gave me a high B for the course. God, I hunkered down and studied hard for that. Pulled my grades up from two Cs on Exams 1 and 2 to an A for the final. I also got a 98 on my cervical cancer paper. That helped a lot. So did getting together with my study group. Twice.
Hope I can keep this up for Med/Surg 2 and Med/Surg 3. And Pharmacology. I spent the weekend trying to catch up on Pharm reading (unsuccessful), catch up on Med/Surg readings for Med/Surg 2 (unsuccessful), the 3"Made Incredibly Easy!" nursing books I bought (Med/Surg, IV Fluids, Fluids & Electrolyes) and the Straight As in Med/Surg Nursing book. (Well, I looked through all of 'em, but I only seriously began reading the F&E book.)
Saw Down To The Bone yesterday at the Gene Siskel Center (School for the Art Institute of Chicago). Oh, Hugh Dillon broke my heart in that film. And so did Vera Farmiga. The last scenes between them just killed me. Though it's obviously low budget, it's well constructed as a film (narrative-wise) and acted very, very believably by both Hugh and Vera. Very much worth seeing. (The Chicago Reader made it a Critics Choice this week.)
Went to Myopic Bookstore and the Occult Bookstore with my oldest sister tonight. Then we had sushi and dished about the men in our lives. Or, in my case, the men sort of in my life, but not really, since school sucks up almost all my free time and also I had a big argument w/my ex yesterday about his perennial money problems, which I don't even care about from a greedy or gold-digging perspective -- not that I ever did -- but because I'm sick and tired of hearing him whine about how he has no money when he has gotten and quit more jobs in the nearly 3 years I've known him than I had in the last ten years. And his solution to his lack of rent money (due tomorrow) was that he was trying to figure out what of his possessions he could sell to come up with the money.
I was like, "Dude, you have 3 TVs, 3 DVD players, a ginormous collection of porn, multiple seasons of the Sopranos on DVD and VHS, a lot of movie DVDs, you just bought more RAM for your Mac and an internal hard drive and external FireWire case to put it in, you've got monthly DSL bills, a cell phone in addition to your land line, and you order your food out at least twice or three times a week. You had a good, permanent job that was going to give you 4 weeks [!!!] paid vacation in the 1st year [unheard of!] and gave you free medical, dental and vision benefits. The only thing that sucked about it was 'you weren't meant to do this for the rest of your life' and the rotating shifts (which don't even include graveyard shifts). You're going to sell something to come up with some money to make your rent? That's like using a fucking bandaid to stop a hemorrhage. And this is what you've been doing the whole time I've known you. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Of course, that didn't go over well with him, most especially because he owes me over $2000. And that wasn't why I said it, because when I gave it to him, I said, "I'm giving this to you because I can afford to lose it, I can afford to not get it paid back, I can afford to throw it in a fire and burn it" (mainly because I'd inherited a chunk from my father after his death. And of course he brought that up and got all snippy and bitchy and said, "I'll have your money for you in 6 months" which was not my point at all, since I've been down this road before with boyfriends (or exes) and knew when I lent it to him I'd probably never see it again -- which was why I told him he could burn it for all I cared. I learned my lesson about 18 years ago with a dope-fiend ex, and I never got that money back, so now I almost never lend money and when I do I only lend what I know I can afford to never get back.
But I'm so tired of his money problems, his getting and quitting jobs (mostly temp jobs) and perennial whining about his money problems when it's largely because he repeatedly shoots himself in his foot, over and over and over. It's like, grow the fuck up. Move out from your fucking parents. I know you've only been the possessor of a BA for, like, a year and a half, but you could've taken the money I gave you, put it down as a security deposit on a halfway decent apartment, and gotten the fuck away from your crazy, dysfunctional family (which includes the rent-demanding older sister -- whose front hall he just painted, which I would consider reason enough for her to give him a few extra days to pay the rent on the shithole apartment he lives in with his dad above her and her husband).
But I digress.
For the first time, I don't have a man for Valentine's Day, and it's honestly not bothering me. I guess I'm so wrapped up with school, I don't even care that much. I wish I hadn't had an argument with my ex, but, honestly, the few booty calls with him recently weren't much to write home about, and I don't think I want to ride that ride again. There is someone on the horizon, maybe (with C____) -- but I can't even really develop that.
I would have to be really honest and say, "Look, C____, I can't have a relationship with you right now, even though we have so much in common, we trade books, we talk on the phone for hours when we do talk, and I have wanted to jump your bones for, like, over a year. I'm not equipped to have a relationship right now. School is kicking my ass, I have very little free time, and I spend more time with my fellow nursing students than anyone else except my cats that sleep with me, so I am only equipped to have a serious of infrequent booty calls." What's maddening is there are like layers of hints that he seems to be delivering, but either they're too subtle, or I'm too chicken shit to put it out there and say, "Uh, yeah, so... have you ever thought about having sex with me?" for fear he'll say, "What are you talking about?" because I can't be sure that the layers of hints are actually hints or just his quirky self being... quirky. I suppose I could just be bold and kiss him, or hug him like we usually do but then hang on a bit too long and give him a stiffy. Or try to, anyway. But I just don't have the emotional energy for the flirting and machinations that men seem to sometimes require. I'd rather cut to the chase: "Sex now? Or later? Or never? Okay, good to know, thank you very much."
So, hence the no-man-Valentine's-Day. I will probably have my nose buried in books and assigned handouts, reviewing for my clinicals the next day. But for the first time since like 2001, I have no one special to treat me special for Valentine's Day... and I'm fine with it. I might go see a Casablanca and Breakfast At Tiffany's double feature at the Music Box tomorrow night, by myself. I've gotten pretty used to going to the movies by myself, in the last months of school, because I go to the cheapo matinees, and most of my friends are all at work at those times. Or I might just watch a DVD at home, take a break from reading.
Either way, I've somehow become immune to happy couple envy. Dunno why. I see them, they seem happy together, and I think, How lucky for them, they have each other and seem happy together. And then I go on with my life and don't give 'em any further thought.
Not sure if that's good or bad. But it will make this Valentine's Day a breeze compared to many others -- including some miserable ones I had when I was involved with a boyfriend. God, that sucked! Bad to have miserable Valentine's Days when you're in a relationship. Understandable if they're bad when you're not in a relationship, but... when you are? They should at least be tolerable, if not good (or fantastic). If they're not even tolerable... that's pretty bad.
So theoretically, if I get my reading done, the city is my oyster... But there is always school, school, school breathing down my neck. I've come to accept I will never finish all the readings. I'm shooting for thorough skimming with some highlighter usage. I can't promise anything more than that...
Still ruminating on booty call possibilities with C____. Hmmmm. I did dream about him a couple weeks ago. Well, we'll see... maybe next weekend I'll make a move to get him to make a move. Or not. As things are going, I doubt it. But maybe the pre-pre-menstrual lusties will kick in and provoke me to a higher level of aggression.
Or not.
Hope I can keep this up for Med/Surg 2 and Med/Surg 3. And Pharmacology. I spent the weekend trying to catch up on Pharm reading (unsuccessful), catch up on Med/Surg readings for Med/Surg 2 (unsuccessful), the 3"Made Incredibly Easy!" nursing books I bought (Med/Surg, IV Fluids, Fluids & Electrolyes) and the Straight As in Med/Surg Nursing book. (Well, I looked through all of 'em, but I only seriously began reading the F&E book.)
Saw Down To The Bone yesterday at the Gene Siskel Center (School for the Art Institute of Chicago). Oh, Hugh Dillon broke my heart in that film. And so did Vera Farmiga. The last scenes between them just killed me. Though it's obviously low budget, it's well constructed as a film (narrative-wise) and acted very, very believably by both Hugh and Vera. Very much worth seeing. (The Chicago Reader made it a Critics Choice this week.)
Went to Myopic Bookstore and the Occult Bookstore with my oldest sister tonight. Then we had sushi and dished about the men in our lives. Or, in my case, the men sort of in my life, but not really, since school sucks up almost all my free time and also I had a big argument w/my ex yesterday about his perennial money problems, which I don't even care about from a greedy or gold-digging perspective -- not that I ever did -- but because I'm sick and tired of hearing him whine about how he has no money when he has gotten and quit more jobs in the nearly 3 years I've known him than I had in the last ten years. And his solution to his lack of rent money (due tomorrow) was that he was trying to figure out what of his possessions he could sell to come up with the money.
I was like, "Dude, you have 3 TVs, 3 DVD players, a ginormous collection of porn, multiple seasons of the Sopranos on DVD and VHS, a lot of movie DVDs, you just bought more RAM for your Mac and an internal hard drive and external FireWire case to put it in, you've got monthly DSL bills, a cell phone in addition to your land line, and you order your food out at least twice or three times a week. You had a good, permanent job that was going to give you 4 weeks [!!!] paid vacation in the 1st year [unheard of!] and gave you free medical, dental and vision benefits. The only thing that sucked about it was 'you weren't meant to do this for the rest of your life' and the rotating shifts (which don't even include graveyard shifts). You're going to sell something to come up with some money to make your rent? That's like using a fucking bandaid to stop a hemorrhage. And this is what you've been doing the whole time I've known you. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Of course, that didn't go over well with him, most especially because he owes me over $2000. And that wasn't why I said it, because when I gave it to him, I said, "I'm giving this to you because I can afford to lose it, I can afford to not get it paid back, I can afford to throw it in a fire and burn it" (mainly because I'd inherited a chunk from my father after his death. And of course he brought that up and got all snippy and bitchy and said, "I'll have your money for you in 6 months" which was not my point at all, since I've been down this road before with boyfriends (or exes) and knew when I lent it to him I'd probably never see it again -- which was why I told him he could burn it for all I cared. I learned my lesson about 18 years ago with a dope-fiend ex, and I never got that money back, so now I almost never lend money and when I do I only lend what I know I can afford to never get back.
But I'm so tired of his money problems, his getting and quitting jobs (mostly temp jobs) and perennial whining about his money problems when it's largely because he repeatedly shoots himself in his foot, over and over and over. It's like, grow the fuck up. Move out from your fucking parents. I know you've only been the possessor of a BA for, like, a year and a half, but you could've taken the money I gave you, put it down as a security deposit on a halfway decent apartment, and gotten the fuck away from your crazy, dysfunctional family (which includes the rent-demanding older sister -- whose front hall he just painted, which I would consider reason enough for her to give him a few extra days to pay the rent on the shithole apartment he lives in with his dad above her and her husband).
But I digress.
For the first time, I don't have a man for Valentine's Day, and it's honestly not bothering me. I guess I'm so wrapped up with school, I don't even care that much. I wish I hadn't had an argument with my ex, but, honestly, the few booty calls with him recently weren't much to write home about, and I don't think I want to ride that ride again. There is someone on the horizon, maybe (with C____) -- but I can't even really develop that.
I would have to be really honest and say, "Look, C____, I can't have a relationship with you right now, even though we have so much in common, we trade books, we talk on the phone for hours when we do talk, and I have wanted to jump your bones for, like, over a year. I'm not equipped to have a relationship right now. School is kicking my ass, I have very little free time, and I spend more time with my fellow nursing students than anyone else except my cats that sleep with me, so I am only equipped to have a serious of infrequent booty calls." What's maddening is there are like layers of hints that he seems to be delivering, but either they're too subtle, or I'm too chicken shit to put it out there and say, "Uh, yeah, so... have you ever thought about having sex with me?" for fear he'll say, "What are you talking about?" because I can't be sure that the layers of hints are actually hints or just his quirky self being... quirky. I suppose I could just be bold and kiss him, or hug him like we usually do but then hang on a bit too long and give him a stiffy. Or try to, anyway. But I just don't have the emotional energy for the flirting and machinations that men seem to sometimes require. I'd rather cut to the chase: "Sex now? Or later? Or never? Okay, good to know, thank you very much."
So, hence the no-man-Valentine's-Day. I will probably have my nose buried in books and assigned handouts, reviewing for my clinicals the next day. But for the first time since like 2001, I have no one special to treat me special for Valentine's Day... and I'm fine with it. I might go see a Casablanca and Breakfast At Tiffany's double feature at the Music Box tomorrow night, by myself. I've gotten pretty used to going to the movies by myself, in the last months of school, because I go to the cheapo matinees, and most of my friends are all at work at those times. Or I might just watch a DVD at home, take a break from reading.
Either way, I've somehow become immune to happy couple envy. Dunno why. I see them, they seem happy together, and I think, How lucky for them, they have each other and seem happy together. And then I go on with my life and don't give 'em any further thought.
Not sure if that's good or bad. But it will make this Valentine's Day a breeze compared to many others -- including some miserable ones I had when I was involved with a boyfriend. God, that sucked! Bad to have miserable Valentine's Days when you're in a relationship. Understandable if they're bad when you're not in a relationship, but... when you are? They should at least be tolerable, if not good (or fantastic). If they're not even tolerable... that's pretty bad.
So theoretically, if I get my reading done, the city is my oyster... But there is always school, school, school breathing down my neck. I've come to accept I will never finish all the readings. I'm shooting for thorough skimming with some highlighter usage. I can't promise anything more than that...
Still ruminating on booty call possibilities with C____. Hmmmm. I did dream about him a couple weeks ago. Well, we'll see... maybe next weekend I'll make a move to get him to make a move. Or not. As things are going, I doubt it. But maybe the pre-pre-menstrual lusties will kick in and provoke me to a higher level of aggression.
Or not.