more morosity (or is it moroseness?)
Sep. 17th, 2007 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verushka70So my stepdad's in the hospital. Again. It seems the new treatment for his metastatic prostate cancer, which he started a week ago, made his liver go "Hxxxxnnnnngggg!" and stop working very well. The metastatic tumor in there doesn't help, either. He is better than he was on Saturday morning, when my mom took him to the ER. And he looked better tonight than he looked last night. But he was miserable all Friday night -- in pain, feeling nauseous & like he was going to throw up.
For some reason no one can figure out, his blood pressure has been quite low the last few weeks -- starting BEFORE the latest treatment (which was ketoconazole, which is an anti-fungal drug, but which apparently has some anti-androgenic effects that can stop or slow progression of prostate cancer). His cardiologist hadn't been able to figure it out.
Then when he went in to the ER, they discovered that not only is his blood pressure low (80s over 50s to 90s over 60s), his oxygen saturation of his blood is dropping below 90%. This is not good. One would normally suspect fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, all the usual lung ailments (COPD, etc.). He does not have any of that. Chest x-rays and CT scans turn up nothing like that. A slim possibility is a pulmonary embolism, but that's unlikely, because he normally takes Coumadin, too (for atrial fibrillation).
They can't do an MRI because he has a pacemaker.
The medical oncologist outlined the options now. (1) try another hormonal approach, which may not work, since the previous hormones (Lupron, Casodex, etc.) stopped working (2) chemo with Taxotere and (3) do nothing and go on hospice.
So. Sword of Damocles hanging ever closer. Yeah.
But before that decision can even be made, his liver needs to recover and his bilirubin & liver enzymes need to go down some. And they need to figure out why his oxygen sats are so low for a non-pulmonary patient.
I have to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. 3 days in a row, 12 hours a day. Not good for visiting him in the hospital. He says he understands. His bio daughters, all older than me, are taking turns staying up here. We are awkwardly getting to know each other -- he kept us all apart for so long, thinking I don't know what -- that we were matter & anti-matter? I think because he felt guilty being with my mother when he was still technically married to his wife, even though he'd lived apart from her for the last 20 years. Men are so impossible to understand -- old men even more so.
When his wife finally died last winter, my mother finally got to meet his daughters. They were fine with it! I think they credited my mom with saving him from his bad cardiologist after his first heart attack -- she dragged him to Northwestern University Medical Center and got him the guy who at the time was considered in the top 3 cardiologists in the nation. (Sadly, he left to head up the cardiology department at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston.) Anyway. I understand avoiding conflict, but that was kind of ridiculous. You can take it to a form of pathology... I'm afraid my stepdad does that. I suppose that's why he just left and moved up here for 20 years, instead of actually divorcing his wife.
It's a haul for his daughters to come up to Chicago to be with him. But they want to, and I can't be of much use the next three days, and my mom has doctor appointments of her own tomorrow. So at least one of his daughters will be up here, probably two. I think they always wanted him to move back down by them. But now that he is this sick, I think Northwestern is probably the best place for him anyway. Even if it does cost us $9 to park in the lot every time we visit (and that's the discount rate for patient visitors -- the undiscounted rate for more than two hours is $28.00). They should be glad they don't live in another state, like my younger sister did, when my father was deteriorating and dying.
Anyway. So that's where my "more morosity and moroseness" post tonight comes from. Whenever I think I've developed a tolerance, it seems like things get worse and then I feel worse, and I realize, you can't really develop a tolerance for this kind of thing. I hate talking to my friends sometimes. People will call me who I haven't talked to in a few weeks or a couple months and they'll be like, 'Hey, how are you?' and I'll be like, "My stepdad's in the hospital again" or "my mom just got out of the hospital again" or stuff like that. I'd like to lie, but I'm a terrible liar anyway, and my mood is always all over my face & voice anyhow. So I don't lie. But I think sometimes they are sorry they called because I'm nothing but a downer sometimes. I hate that.
For some reason no one can figure out, his blood pressure has been quite low the last few weeks -- starting BEFORE the latest treatment (which was ketoconazole, which is an anti-fungal drug, but which apparently has some anti-androgenic effects that can stop or slow progression of prostate cancer). His cardiologist hadn't been able to figure it out.
Then when he went in to the ER, they discovered that not only is his blood pressure low (80s over 50s to 90s over 60s), his oxygen saturation of his blood is dropping below 90%. This is not good. One would normally suspect fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, all the usual lung ailments (COPD, etc.). He does not have any of that. Chest x-rays and CT scans turn up nothing like that. A slim possibility is a pulmonary embolism, but that's unlikely, because he normally takes Coumadin, too (for atrial fibrillation).
They can't do an MRI because he has a pacemaker.
The medical oncologist outlined the options now. (1) try another hormonal approach, which may not work, since the previous hormones (Lupron, Casodex, etc.) stopped working (2) chemo with Taxotere and (3) do nothing and go on hospice.
So. Sword of Damocles hanging ever closer. Yeah.
But before that decision can even be made, his liver needs to recover and his bilirubin & liver enzymes need to go down some. And they need to figure out why his oxygen sats are so low for a non-pulmonary patient.
I have to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. 3 days in a row, 12 hours a day. Not good for visiting him in the hospital. He says he understands. His bio daughters, all older than me, are taking turns staying up here. We are awkwardly getting to know each other -- he kept us all apart for so long, thinking I don't know what -- that we were matter & anti-matter? I think because he felt guilty being with my mother when he was still technically married to his wife, even though he'd lived apart from her for the last 20 years. Men are so impossible to understand -- old men even more so.
When his wife finally died last winter, my mother finally got to meet his daughters. They were fine with it! I think they credited my mom with saving him from his bad cardiologist after his first heart attack -- she dragged him to Northwestern University Medical Center and got him the guy who at the time was considered in the top 3 cardiologists in the nation. (Sadly, he left to head up the cardiology department at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston.) Anyway. I understand avoiding conflict, but that was kind of ridiculous. You can take it to a form of pathology... I'm afraid my stepdad does that. I suppose that's why he just left and moved up here for 20 years, instead of actually divorcing his wife.
It's a haul for his daughters to come up to Chicago to be with him. But they want to, and I can't be of much use the next three days, and my mom has doctor appointments of her own tomorrow. So at least one of his daughters will be up here, probably two. I think they always wanted him to move back down by them. But now that he is this sick, I think Northwestern is probably the best place for him anyway. Even if it does cost us $9 to park in the lot every time we visit (and that's the discount rate for patient visitors -- the undiscounted rate for more than two hours is $28.00). They should be glad they don't live in another state, like my younger sister did, when my father was deteriorating and dying.
Anyway. So that's where my "more morosity and moroseness" post tonight comes from. Whenever I think I've developed a tolerance, it seems like things get worse and then I feel worse, and I realize, you can't really develop a tolerance for this kind of thing. I hate talking to my friends sometimes. People will call me who I haven't talked to in a few weeks or a couple months and they'll be like, 'Hey, how are you?' and I'll be like, "My stepdad's in the hospital again" or "my mom just got out of the hospital again" or stuff like that. I'd like to lie, but I'm a terrible liar anyway, and my mood is always all over my face & voice anyhow. So I don't lie. But I think sometimes they are sorry they called because I'm nothing but a downer sometimes. I hate that.