angst, angst, and more angst
Jan. 5th, 2006 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verushka70I'm addicted. It's shameful. I'm seriously addicted. I've seen Brokeback Mountain five times now. I'm worse than all those Star Wars fans who waited 24 hours to see the last installment. I CAN NOT STOP. I love Brokeback Mountain. Why? It's the ANGST.
Oh, the angst! I knew as soon as I saw the previews for it back in September or August or whenever it was, I knew it was going to be an angsty, relationship-barriered angsty m/m story, I could tell from the tiny excerpts in the trailer, and I waited with bated breath. And now I just can't stop, damn it. At least I've gone to see it mostly at matinees (yeah -- in Chicago, that saves you a whole $2; instead of being $9.50, it's "only" $7.50). But then there is paying for parking (if you see it in Chicago).
Shamefully I've seen it in 4 different theaters the 5 times I've seen Brokeback Mountain. I could write an essay on the difference between seeing it in a totally gay neighborhood on the north side of Chicago versus seeing it with the suburban mallrat contingent in a suburb that's so far from Chicago it used to be considered a suburb of Naperville, not Chicago (I have to take I-290 to I-88 and drive 80 miles an hour for almost half an hour to get there, so you know it's FAR). But I won't write that essay...
I'll just say that when Jack (Gyllenhaal) and Ennis (Ledger) finally come together sexually -- and almost all the times after that when they get together -- it's as angsty as I could ever want it to be, and I say that having a major fetish for angsty slash.
Angsty slash is my favorite kind of slash. I like when one guy is so driven by emotion and desire that he overcomes his own ambivalence; when the desire and arousal peak just a bit higher than the angst holding him back -- it's practically aphrodisiacal. (If that's a word). Hell, that's my favorite kind of slash to write, let alone read or see.
Which does not, by any means, mean that Brokeback is purely that and nothing else. As I wax rhapsodic I must also acknowledge that there is no happy ending for these two. It is tragic. And I respond to that sort of thing (even though I myself like to write, at least some of the time, happy endings) because... well, for a number of reasons I won't explore at this juncture but which probably almost all boil down to the fact that I'm a depressive.
But where Brokeback really gets to me (not erotically, but emotionally) is the desperate longing these two have for each other. The scenes of intimacy are breathtaking, yes, but there are confrontational scenes that really grab me because I understand Jack's sad pursuit of a lover who can't fully give himself. It's all about the longing and the not having.
The scene where (SPOILERS) Ennis threatens Jack about all the things he doesn't know about Jack's trips to Mexico and what they've got down there for "boys like you" -- God, Jake Gyllenhaal as Jack just wrings it out of me when he loses his temper and says to Ennis, "Count the number of times we been together in twenty years, measure the short fuckin' leash you keep me on, and then tell me you'll kill me for needin' what I don't hardly never get." Not to mention the scene where he drives all the way up to Wyoming from Texas when he finds out about Ennis' divorce, thinking that Ennis has finally come to his senses and is ready to "be with" him, only to bitterly discover that although Ennis could do that, he won't... and then Jack leaves, deflated, devastated, and cries and then gulps it all back in, and you can see it happen, you can watch the bitter resolve take over his face as he heads past Texas into Juarez, Mexico to find a boy he can buy for a short time and pretend is Ennis. (END SPOILERS)
Which leads me to my other meditation on Brokeback, and that is that, whatever else it is, it also is a story that portrays the way intimate relationships can become much like a planet revolving around the sun. And this happens in many relationships, if not all relationships: at least initially, there is a lover (pursuer) and a beloved (pursued). One person loves, or demonstrates that love, more than the other.
And sometimes, when you're really, really lucky, the pursued lets him or herself get caught. And sometimes, the lover and the beloved switch places. And, though I've never been married, from all my observations of others' marriages and relationships, as far as I can see, successful LTRs (married or not) seem to be able to successfully negotiate the "tipping point" when the beloved suddenly becomes the lover and the lover becomes the beloved. It's a dance, and both people have to know how to lead and how to follow, and how to tell when they'll be expected to do either, or at least how to read the other person and know which way to respond.
And, unfortunately, many relationships never, ever get to that point. They end when the switchover occurs, when the lover becomes the beloved. Or, the switchover is never allowed to occur, and the lover never gets a chance to truly pursue and catch the beloved. Or, the lover must constantly be in pursuit and when the beloved allows him or herself to finally be caught, the relationship loses it's "zing" for the lover/pursuer, and they move on to another unhavable lover.
At any rate. Brokeback Mountain is all about the angst and the longing of loving, wanting, and not having -- or not having enough. And I think most people can relate to that. We all have that missing piece (well, many of us do) that we seek in others, and we know the joy when we think we've found it, and the frustration and sorrow when we realize we haven't (or, in a more healthy way, that the missing piece we thought we found outside ourselves, in another person, can't ever really fill that hole in us because the hole has always been with us, and always will be, and it's not fair to put that much pressure on the person you love).
I guess I am done rambling. But, oh, the angst and longing. And the not having. Which makes what little "having" there is that much more bittersweet.
Oh, the angst! I knew as soon as I saw the previews for it back in September or August or whenever it was, I knew it was going to be an angsty, relationship-barriered angsty m/m story, I could tell from the tiny excerpts in the trailer, and I waited with bated breath. And now I just can't stop, damn it. At least I've gone to see it mostly at matinees (yeah -- in Chicago, that saves you a whole $2; instead of being $9.50, it's "only" $7.50). But then there is paying for parking (if you see it in Chicago).
Shamefully I've seen it in 4 different theaters the 5 times I've seen Brokeback Mountain. I could write an essay on the difference between seeing it in a totally gay neighborhood on the north side of Chicago versus seeing it with the suburban mallrat contingent in a suburb that's so far from Chicago it used to be considered a suburb of Naperville, not Chicago (I have to take I-290 to I-88 and drive 80 miles an hour for almost half an hour to get there, so you know it's FAR). But I won't write that essay...
I'll just say that when Jack (Gyllenhaal) and Ennis (Ledger) finally come together sexually -- and almost all the times after that when they get together -- it's as angsty as I could ever want it to be, and I say that having a major fetish for angsty slash.
Angsty slash is my favorite kind of slash. I like when one guy is so driven by emotion and desire that he overcomes his own ambivalence; when the desire and arousal peak just a bit higher than the angst holding him back -- it's practically aphrodisiacal. (If that's a word). Hell, that's my favorite kind of slash to write, let alone read or see.
Which does not, by any means, mean that Brokeback is purely that and nothing else. As I wax rhapsodic I must also acknowledge that there is no happy ending for these two. It is tragic. And I respond to that sort of thing (even though I myself like to write, at least some of the time, happy endings) because... well, for a number of reasons I won't explore at this juncture but which probably almost all boil down to the fact that I'm a depressive.
But where Brokeback really gets to me (not erotically, but emotionally) is the desperate longing these two have for each other. The scenes of intimacy are breathtaking, yes, but there are confrontational scenes that really grab me because I understand Jack's sad pursuit of a lover who can't fully give himself. It's all about the longing and the not having.
The scene where (SPOILERS) Ennis threatens Jack about all the things he doesn't know about Jack's trips to Mexico and what they've got down there for "boys like you" -- God, Jake Gyllenhaal as Jack just wrings it out of me when he loses his temper and says to Ennis, "Count the number of times we been together in twenty years, measure the short fuckin' leash you keep me on, and then tell me you'll kill me for needin' what I don't hardly never get." Not to mention the scene where he drives all the way up to Wyoming from Texas when he finds out about Ennis' divorce, thinking that Ennis has finally come to his senses and is ready to "be with" him, only to bitterly discover that although Ennis could do that, he won't... and then Jack leaves, deflated, devastated, and cries and then gulps it all back in, and you can see it happen, you can watch the bitter resolve take over his face as he heads past Texas into Juarez, Mexico to find a boy he can buy for a short time and pretend is Ennis. (END SPOILERS)
Which leads me to my other meditation on Brokeback, and that is that, whatever else it is, it also is a story that portrays the way intimate relationships can become much like a planet revolving around the sun. And this happens in many relationships, if not all relationships: at least initially, there is a lover (pursuer) and a beloved (pursued). One person loves, or demonstrates that love, more than the other.
And sometimes, when you're really, really lucky, the pursued lets him or herself get caught. And sometimes, the lover and the beloved switch places. And, though I've never been married, from all my observations of others' marriages and relationships, as far as I can see, successful LTRs (married or not) seem to be able to successfully negotiate the "tipping point" when the beloved suddenly becomes the lover and the lover becomes the beloved. It's a dance, and both people have to know how to lead and how to follow, and how to tell when they'll be expected to do either, or at least how to read the other person and know which way to respond.
And, unfortunately, many relationships never, ever get to that point. They end when the switchover occurs, when the lover becomes the beloved. Or, the switchover is never allowed to occur, and the lover never gets a chance to truly pursue and catch the beloved. Or, the lover must constantly be in pursuit and when the beloved allows him or herself to finally be caught, the relationship loses it's "zing" for the lover/pursuer, and they move on to another unhavable lover.
At any rate. Brokeback Mountain is all about the angst and the longing of loving, wanting, and not having -- or not having enough. And I think most people can relate to that. We all have that missing piece (well, many of us do) that we seek in others, and we know the joy when we think we've found it, and the frustration and sorrow when we realize we haven't (or, in a more healthy way, that the missing piece we thought we found outside ourselves, in another person, can't ever really fill that hole in us because the hole has always been with us, and always will be, and it's not fair to put that much pressure on the person you love).
I guess I am done rambling. But, oh, the angst and longing. And the not having. Which makes what little "having" there is that much more bittersweet.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 10:55 pm (UTC)THANK YOU! Finally, a non-political, plain and simple I LOVE ANGST AND THAT'S WHY I SAW IT post.
btw, this is Meg(Meghan) from mrks. :)
absolutely
Date: 2006-01-05 11:11 pm (UTC)Yes, there's all the sociopolitical context and meta messages and meanings and all that. But sometimes with movies (as with music), it's just the drama, it's the visuals (or with music, it's the sound). I'd rather let the work stand on its own, see it on its own, hear it on its own, as a thing, an object, that either I enjoy or I don't.
I'm often better off not reading interviews with favorite actors or directors or musicians or bands, not knowing all that much about them and just enjoying the stuff they do, which achieves a sort of independent enjoyability all on its own. Of course, far be it from me to support non-PC people or things... Oh, hell, that's a total lie. I love a lot of non-PC things and I'm never going to stop loving them, and I've spent a lot of non-PC money on such things and, well, PC-ness be damned. I like what I like. :) And I do "know about art" ! :)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-06 02:37 am (UTC)EEEE!!! *picks up and swings and hugs*
EEEEEE!!!
You know I still rec you all over the place?
EEEEE!!!
Okay. Um.
Haven't seen Brokeback Mountain. It's not here. Which is good because I have a feeling it would Kill ME DED.
EEEEEE back atcha!!
Date: 2006-01-08 10:40 pm (UTC)I was wondering where everyone had gone! Way late on the LJ bandwagon, obviously... but still sporadically writing.
I still reread a lot of your stuff, too! (I don't have a page for recs, but if I did, I sure would rec yours, too!) And, you know, after all these years, I still think Serge Protector was THE BEST DS F/K zine ever (I own about 4 now).
I dunno where you are, but if you can drive less than half a day to see Brokeback Mountain on a big screen, you should. All that breathtaking big-sky country (actually filmed in Alberta, Canada, not Wyoming) demands big-screen viewing.
It just might kill you dead. :) It's that good.
So nice to "see" another familiar face!