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If being sick with upper respiratory infection for weeks hasn't been enough, the tendonitis which seemed to be getting better has now morphed into numbness and tingling that shoots down my right arm to thumb and index finger.
I keep thinking of the things I'll never do because of it and because it keeps coming back.
I will never write seriously. I probably never would have, given that fanfic dominated my creative output. But the possibility was at least out there ...before tendonitis.
I can never go back to playing music. I miss it so much sometimes (I didn't love playing violin, but I loved playing the piano) and violin skills translate to guitar, which I taught myself a little of... before tendonitis.
I can never go back to electronic art or even modern video editing (my first bachelors was a BFA in film/video and electronic media). I simply can't do all the mousing and keyboard work and knob twiddling necessary.
I will never be free of this weakness, this vulnerability that hampers all my creative outlets, the ones I love most. I feel I'm crippled for life. Every time I over do it, I am crippled by pain and dysfunction for weeks or months.
Professionally, I can never move up into management. I probably wouldn't have anyway (doesn't fit my personality) but the computer work (QA, data analysis, email) is impossible for me now.
They just offered me my boss' position (she's stepping down) and I will clearly have to decline. I probably would have anyway, but I would have liked to decline because I wanted to decline -- not because I physically can't do the work required.
I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that I can still start IVs on patients, as that is not a pain free activity for me, but it at least doesn't leave my arm aching the way the necessary computer charting does.
Speech to text helps a bit but is still so imperfect it requires a lot of correction which just strains my arm more. I can't imagine writing an entire novel-length work with speech to text. It would be as much work correcting the speech written text as it would typing the entire thing out.
If I owe you replies or messages, this is why. I'm only posting this because I'm already in so much pain it won't make much difference and I'm enraged and depressed at my fate.
Goddamnit. I hate this.
I keep thinking of the things I'll never do because of it and because it keeps coming back.
I will never write seriously. I probably never would have, given that fanfic dominated my creative output. But the possibility was at least out there ...before tendonitis.
I can never go back to playing music. I miss it so much sometimes (I didn't love playing violin, but I loved playing the piano) and violin skills translate to guitar, which I taught myself a little of... before tendonitis.
I can never go back to electronic art or even modern video editing (my first bachelors was a BFA in film/video and electronic media). I simply can't do all the mousing and keyboard work and knob twiddling necessary.
I will never be free of this weakness, this vulnerability that hampers all my creative outlets, the ones I love most. I feel I'm crippled for life. Every time I over do it, I am crippled by pain and dysfunction for weeks or months.
Professionally, I can never move up into management. I probably wouldn't have anyway (doesn't fit my personality) but the computer work (QA, data analysis, email) is impossible for me now.
They just offered me my boss' position (she's stepping down) and I will clearly have to decline. I probably would have anyway, but I would have liked to decline because I wanted to decline -- not because I physically can't do the work required.
I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that I can still start IVs on patients, as that is not a pain free activity for me, but it at least doesn't leave my arm aching the way the necessary computer charting does.
Speech to text helps a bit but is still so imperfect it requires a lot of correction which just strains my arm more. I can't imagine writing an entire novel-length work with speech to text. It would be as much work correcting the speech written text as it would typing the entire thing out.
If I owe you replies or messages, this is why. I'm only posting this because I'm already in so much pain it won't make much difference and I'm enraged and depressed at my fate.
Goddamnit. I hate this.