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backup story for ds_team_angst!
Oct. 23rd, 2007 11:19 amSo I've been hit up to take one of my unfinished angsty drabbles and transform it into a back-up story for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ds_team_angst team in the ds_match challenge about to start (tomorrow!) on ds_flashfiction. Shit! I'm scared but I'm determined to rise to the challenge. Nothing to lose and hopefully only heartbreaking angst, crotchthrobbing smut, and possibly even an illogically happy resolution, to gain. Eeep!
Well, this is a very welcome distraction from my rather black and foul state of mood and mind lately. The chaplain that sort of "emceed" my stepfather's wake service mentioned something about death bringing clarity to one's perspective, a stripping away of all but what is essential.
Unfortunately for me, this clarity has led me to a dark place where basically I find that nothing is essential, including my job, and, increasingly, myself as well. I've almost called in sick three of my last four shifts.
So my clarity is this: Everything we do is fuckin' pointless, this is the only life you get, and consider how long you're going to be dead before deciding on any course of action -- and then decide.
(This leads to thoughts such as: I'm gonna be dead a really, really, really long fucking time. Do I want to spend my short life working for a living, or living?) the answer is not working for a living.
I know it's my usual depression talking, just ramped up and exacerbated by the rapid downturn and death of my stepdad. But at the same time, it also seems highly fucking logical. And part of me is thinking, Go ahead and call in. How long are you going to be dead? Do you want to spend your remaining moments doing this? Do you really fucking care if you lose this job? (And the answer, since my stepdad died, has been: no, I really don't care if I lose this job.)
Actually, I really don't care about anything at all anymore. The things I do care about, I'm powerless to effect or change. And the things I have some level of influence or control over, I don't give a shit about.
This is why it's great that I got tagged for the backup fic. If I hadn't, I would merely have more time to spend thinking bad, negative thoughts on the pointlessness of living.
ds_team_angst team in the ds_match challenge about to start (tomorrow!) on ds_flashfiction. Shit! I'm scared but I'm determined to rise to the challenge. Nothing to lose and hopefully only heartbreaking angst, crotchthrobbing smut, and possibly even an illogically happy resolution, to gain. Eeep! Well, this is a very welcome distraction from my rather black and foul state of mood and mind lately. The chaplain that sort of "emceed" my stepfather's wake service mentioned something about death bringing clarity to one's perspective, a stripping away of all but what is essential.
Unfortunately for me, this clarity has led me to a dark place where basically I find that nothing is essential, including my job, and, increasingly, myself as well. I've almost called in sick three of my last four shifts.
So my clarity is this: Everything we do is fuckin' pointless, this is the only life you get, and consider how long you're going to be dead before deciding on any course of action -- and then decide.
(This leads to thoughts such as: I'm gonna be dead a really, really, really long fucking time. Do I want to spend my short life working for a living, or living?) the answer is not working for a living.
I know it's my usual depression talking, just ramped up and exacerbated by the rapid downturn and death of my stepdad. But at the same time, it also seems highly fucking logical. And part of me is thinking, Go ahead and call in. How long are you going to be dead? Do you want to spend your remaining moments doing this? Do you really fucking care if you lose this job? (And the answer, since my stepdad died, has been: no, I really don't care if I lose this job.)
Actually, I really don't care about anything at all anymore. The things I do care about, I'm powerless to effect or change. And the things I have some level of influence or control over, I don't give a shit about.
This is why it's great that I got tagged for the backup fic. If I hadn't, I would merely have more time to spend thinking bad, negative thoughts on the pointlessness of living.