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verushka70Earlier this week, for a large variety of reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, but one recent thing that was an especial fail that made me mad at and miserable with myself, I was seriously considering posting a short entry to my LJ saying,
I suck.
Then before work Wed. I had my every-3-months appointment with the psychiatrist for "medication management." He shocked the hell out of me by suggesting that we augment my meds with a stimulant -- that was his word, not mine: a stimulant. He said he didn't want to take "too big a step" by augmenting with something like Abilify.
I like this doc quite a bit; he's not afraid to try something new (like change meds when necessary), but he's not brainwashed by pharm rep free samples and freebies, either. We're pretty much on the same page, usually.
So this surprised me; it was a bit out of left field. But then he casually added that a lot of the things I describe as mood problems and "amotivational symptoms" sounded ADD-like. He ran down the list of symptoms of ADD, and it pretty much matched my usual life-long problems focusing, finishing what I start, getting started on any big things in the first place, being easily distracted, procrastinating constantly, losing shit constantly, following through on things, and daydreaming, all of which are exacerbated by depression and the current dysthymia, as he's terming it.
So I was like, THAT'S ADD? Fuck me, I've been like this my whole life -- it's just worse since my mom died. So he wrote me a RX for Adderall. I dropped it off at Walgreens and left for work. After I got home from work (around 5am), I picked up the Adderall (and my usual Wellbutrin refill) from the 24 hour Walgreens. And took my Adderall before I went to sleep (I'm supposed to take it 2 x day).
I swear, I've only been taking it for 2 days but it's like a switch was flipped in my head. I'd been thinking of going to the Clutter Busters support meeting for hoarders that I read about in the local paper last summer (like many things I've been *thinking* of doing for *months*...). But for the first time, Thursday evening, I did more than think about it... I WENT. (Sadly, the group no longer exists... so they should frakkin' remove the ad from the paper!)
I was sitting at the computer desk this afternoon, which I've sat at countless times with its piles of crap on either side of the monitor, and more junk mail and paper piled on those piles, and in front of the monitor, to the point where it's on either side of the keyboard and restricting my optical mousing area... and after having lived with that building, encroaching clutter for like a year, suddenly today, I started picking it up and going through it and getting rid of it.
And instead of stopping and dawdling on every scrap of paper, and getting distracted by them, I just tucked (a few of) them away in a separate (much smaller) pile and discarded all the rest (which was actually trash) in the recycle bin (except for stuff that had to be shredded). None of that "should I throw this away? it's a receipt, maybe I should save it..." indecision, nosiree. And suddenly I could see the desktop of the computer desk on either side of the monitor. For the first time in... well, actually, well over a year.
Then a little before dinner time, I damp mopped the kitchen floor. (!!!!)
I don't DO this kind of thing. I live like the people on the BBC's "How Clean Is Your House?" -- that is to say, I would need their entire team and their help, and Kim and Agsie would probably find virulent strains of bacteria all over my apartment. I'm weirdly perfectionistic: if it's not going to be sparkling, then it's going to be a hovel. And since it's never sparkling, it's ALWAYS a hovel.
I woke up the past two days feeling awake, instead of groggy and hitting the snooze button five zillion times and sleeping another hour and then being late for everything for the rest of the day. I got up and started doing stuff, rather than just sitting around, sipping my morning coffee and daydreaming and dreading the day. I figured the Adderall might help, but I didn't think it would make this much of a difference, this soon. Which only confirms to me something I've long suspected: I have a dopamine deficiency-related mood disorder, not a serotonin-related one.
It's so weird to not just THINK about doing things, with a sort of hopeless, fatalistic background noise whispering that I will never really get around to doing them, so I should give up before I even begin -- but to actually DO THEM. And not to spend much time dwelling on the thought. THAT is also very, very weird to me. I hadn't realized until the last couple days how much time I spend *considering* things ...most of which ends up with me doing none of the things I consider.
Now, I've always believed in better living through chemistry. I would have been dead long ago from suicide if I hadn't gotten on antidepressants; I truly believe they are lifesaving drugs, and I really wish I could strangle all the people who say depressives should just "snap out of it" and all we really need is a "kick in the pants". I got plenty of kicks in the pants when I was growing up, and as far as I can tell, that probably made me into the depressive I am. They'd never say someone with swollen ankles and shortness of breath from untreated hypertension and congestive heart failure should just "snap out of it" or that all they need is a "kick in the pants." They'd never say that about a diabetic whose blood sugar drops so low he or she starts acting weird and then passes out.
But to someone who's severely depressed -- I can't count how many times I've had well-meaning friends and relatives suggest something asinine like putting on a happy face or go jogging or try smiling more or just "suck it up"; it has truly boggled me and made me envy people who think that the inability to drag yourself out of bed and show up to school/work could be so easily solved. If I could drag myself out of bed for work or school -- without antidepressants -- yeah, I'd be jogging. But I *can't*. It's not that I don't want to; I really just *can't* -- and I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever suffered severe depression understands. Just as I'm sure anyone who's NEVER suffered severe depression will NEVER understand.
So I'm once again, cautiously hopeful... and desperately thankful that a medication change is allowing the dark gray at the end of the endless tunnel to actually show some light. And so quickly. When I first went on meds, it was SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS before they kicked in, weeks in which I almost got kicked out of school (for the SECOND time) for not showing up repeatedly (and the grades you'd expect to get from not showing up at all for weeks)... and had to give the bottles of pills I'd hoarded as my "escape route" to my friend so I wouldn't take the escape route and suck them all down with a bottle of vodka to seal the deal.
But this? In less than 24 hours, it's made a difference. In 48 hours, it's made a *noticeable* difference. It's like the foggy spiderwebbing around me that holds me down, holds me in place, won't let me reach out to *do* things, is being dissolved. And I'm actually *here* in my mind, like, *present* for this. I am having trouble describing it because I'm not sure I've ever felt this way, or if I did, it was probably so long ago in childhood, it's barely a memory. To want to do something -- to see that you have to do something, and KNOW you have to do something, a task, any task -- and never accomplish it, never even get *started* (or, worse yet, start a number of things you really need to do, and finish none...) is so terrible. Especially if you can make yourself do such things for others, always -- but never for yourself. It just teaches you over and over that you're -- as they say in fandom -- made of fail. And you feel guilty and stupid and wonder what's wrong with you and why you can't get your shit together.
But to *see* what needs to be done, and just do it -- is so foreign to me. And it feels good.
Before the Adderall, I procrastinated doing my income taxes until the night before 4/15 and well into the wee hours of 4/15. Actually, I finished around 5am.
After the Adderall -- I had until 5/31 to renew my RN license. But I did it today.
*crossing my fingers the meds continue to work*
I suck.
Then before work Wed. I had my every-3-months appointment with the psychiatrist for "medication management." He shocked the hell out of me by suggesting that we augment my meds with a stimulant -- that was his word, not mine: a stimulant. He said he didn't want to take "too big a step" by augmenting with something like Abilify.
I like this doc quite a bit; he's not afraid to try something new (like change meds when necessary), but he's not brainwashed by pharm rep free samples and freebies, either. We're pretty much on the same page, usually.
So this surprised me; it was a bit out of left field. But then he casually added that a lot of the things I describe as mood problems and "amotivational symptoms" sounded ADD-like. He ran down the list of symptoms of ADD, and it pretty much matched my usual life-long problems focusing, finishing what I start, getting started on any big things in the first place, being easily distracted, procrastinating constantly, losing shit constantly, following through on things, and daydreaming, all of which are exacerbated by depression and the current dysthymia, as he's terming it.
So I was like, THAT'S ADD? Fuck me, I've been like this my whole life -- it's just worse since my mom died. So he wrote me a RX for Adderall. I dropped it off at Walgreens and left for work. After I got home from work (around 5am), I picked up the Adderall (and my usual Wellbutrin refill) from the 24 hour Walgreens. And took my Adderall before I went to sleep (I'm supposed to take it 2 x day).
I swear, I've only been taking it for 2 days but it's like a switch was flipped in my head. I'd been thinking of going to the Clutter Busters support meeting for hoarders that I read about in the local paper last summer (like many things I've been *thinking* of doing for *months*...). But for the first time, Thursday evening, I did more than think about it... I WENT. (Sadly, the group no longer exists... so they should frakkin' remove the ad from the paper!)
I was sitting at the computer desk this afternoon, which I've sat at countless times with its piles of crap on either side of the monitor, and more junk mail and paper piled on those piles, and in front of the monitor, to the point where it's on either side of the keyboard and restricting my optical mousing area... and after having lived with that building, encroaching clutter for like a year, suddenly today, I started picking it up and going through it and getting rid of it.
And instead of stopping and dawdling on every scrap of paper, and getting distracted by them, I just tucked (a few of) them away in a separate (much smaller) pile and discarded all the rest (which was actually trash) in the recycle bin (except for stuff that had to be shredded). None of that "should I throw this away? it's a receipt, maybe I should save it..." indecision, nosiree. And suddenly I could see the desktop of the computer desk on either side of the monitor. For the first time in... well, actually, well over a year.
Then a little before dinner time, I damp mopped the kitchen floor. (!!!!)
I don't DO this kind of thing. I live like the people on the BBC's "How Clean Is Your House?" -- that is to say, I would need their entire team and their help, and Kim and Agsie would probably find virulent strains of bacteria all over my apartment. I'm weirdly perfectionistic: if it's not going to be sparkling, then it's going to be a hovel. And since it's never sparkling, it's ALWAYS a hovel.
I woke up the past two days feeling awake, instead of groggy and hitting the snooze button five zillion times and sleeping another hour and then being late for everything for the rest of the day. I got up and started doing stuff, rather than just sitting around, sipping my morning coffee and daydreaming and dreading the day. I figured the Adderall might help, but I didn't think it would make this much of a difference, this soon. Which only confirms to me something I've long suspected: I have a dopamine deficiency-related mood disorder, not a serotonin-related one.
It's so weird to not just THINK about doing things, with a sort of hopeless, fatalistic background noise whispering that I will never really get around to doing them, so I should give up before I even begin -- but to actually DO THEM. And not to spend much time dwelling on the thought. THAT is also very, very weird to me. I hadn't realized until the last couple days how much time I spend *considering* things ...most of which ends up with me doing none of the things I consider.
Now, I've always believed in better living through chemistry. I would have been dead long ago from suicide if I hadn't gotten on antidepressants; I truly believe they are lifesaving drugs, and I really wish I could strangle all the people who say depressives should just "snap out of it" and all we really need is a "kick in the pants". I got plenty of kicks in the pants when I was growing up, and as far as I can tell, that probably made me into the depressive I am. They'd never say someone with swollen ankles and shortness of breath from untreated hypertension and congestive heart failure should just "snap out of it" or that all they need is a "kick in the pants." They'd never say that about a diabetic whose blood sugar drops so low he or she starts acting weird and then passes out.
But to someone who's severely depressed -- I can't count how many times I've had well-meaning friends and relatives suggest something asinine like putting on a happy face or go jogging or try smiling more or just "suck it up"; it has truly boggled me and made me envy people who think that the inability to drag yourself out of bed and show up to school/work could be so easily solved. If I could drag myself out of bed for work or school -- without antidepressants -- yeah, I'd be jogging. But I *can't*. It's not that I don't want to; I really just *can't* -- and I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever suffered severe depression understands. Just as I'm sure anyone who's NEVER suffered severe depression will NEVER understand.
So I'm once again, cautiously hopeful... and desperately thankful that a medication change is allowing the dark gray at the end of the endless tunnel to actually show some light. And so quickly. When I first went on meds, it was SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS before they kicked in, weeks in which I almost got kicked out of school (for the SECOND time) for not showing up repeatedly (and the grades you'd expect to get from not showing up at all for weeks)... and had to give the bottles of pills I'd hoarded as my "escape route" to my friend so I wouldn't take the escape route and suck them all down with a bottle of vodka to seal the deal.
But this? In less than 24 hours, it's made a difference. In 48 hours, it's made a *noticeable* difference. It's like the foggy spiderwebbing around me that holds me down, holds me in place, won't let me reach out to *do* things, is being dissolved. And I'm actually *here* in my mind, like, *present* for this. I am having trouble describing it because I'm not sure I've ever felt this way, or if I did, it was probably so long ago in childhood, it's barely a memory. To want to do something -- to see that you have to do something, and KNOW you have to do something, a task, any task -- and never accomplish it, never even get *started* (or, worse yet, start a number of things you really need to do, and finish none...) is so terrible. Especially if you can make yourself do such things for others, always -- but never for yourself. It just teaches you over and over that you're -- as they say in fandom -- made of fail. And you feel guilty and stupid and wonder what's wrong with you and why you can't get your shit together.
But to *see* what needs to be done, and just do it -- is so foreign to me. And it feels good.
Before the Adderall, I procrastinated doing my income taxes until the night before 4/15 and well into the wee hours of 4/15. Actually, I finished around 5am.
After the Adderall -- I had until 5/31 to renew my RN license. But I did it today.
*crossing my fingers the meds continue to work*