the decision taken from me. she's gone.

[verushka70]

Kako went into respiratory distress and then arrest around 2:50am this morning. They called me around 3:00am because I had chosen no intubation on the DNR when she was admitted. The night emergency vet said she didn't think she could keep Kako alive long enough for me to say good bye. I said I would come out anyway and that if she was suffering and distressed, that they should take her (euthanise) or let her go. I got there too late. She had already died at 3:15. I didn't ask if she died, or they euthanised her, and they didn't tell me.

I didn't get to say goodbye. I feel terrible, like she died without me, not knowing that I didn't just leave her there, I brought her so she could get better, and I *was* coming back for her -- if she would have made it. But by the time they decided they should keep her one more night, it was too late to leave home and make it there before visiting hours were over Monday night.

After I got there, they let me hold her little body and spend time with her when I got there. She was already cold even though she was wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Her mouth was curled up in a little grimace that told me pretty much all I needed to know. I feel so horrible for not being there. It makes me wish I had just kept her with me Sunday and never brought her in, if this was going to be the end result. She would have died in just as much distress, probably, and faster -- but *with* me, not without me. I hope she didn't feel I abandoned her, that I left her with strangers. Even though that's pretty much what I did. I know we can't know what animals think, but I guess I feel guilty and like I let her down, and I'm afraid that at the end, she wondered where was I and why I wasn't with her.

I want to thank everyone who's commented. I truly appreciate it. I would answer everyone individually, but I'm too exhausted. I just got home a little while ago. But it is appreciated. You've all been so kind. I only hope I deserve it. I don't feel like it right now. I feel like I failed my cat.

I remember a line from the X-Files, from Cigarette Smoking Man: "Regret is an inevitable consequence of life." Yeah, pretty much.

Comments

[grey853.livejournal.com]

You didn't fail her. You gave her every chance. Not many people would've done that after she got so sick. Try to focus on that and that you gave her a good life, loving her and caring for her.

I'm so sorry. Losing our pet is like losing a person in our life, just as horrible and tragic.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks, grey.

[akamine_chan]

I'm sorry. And you didn't fail Kako. You gave her love, you gave her life, you gave her the chance to be the best cat she could be.

Regret might be inevitable, but it serves no purpose. Let it go, and give yourself time to heal.

*hugs you tightly*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thank you, aka. I'm just so tired of sickness and death.

[bkwyrm.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.
And you didn't fail her. You tried to save her. I know that doesn't help much - I lost a cat in 1995 the same way, and in some ways, it hurt worse than losing a person.
For what it's worth, my sister in law is an emergency vet at AETC. They get passionately attached to the animals they treat, and while it wasn't you that was there, I'm sure she wasn't by herself.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thanks for letting me know that. It helps. And thanks for your sympathies. I do appreciate it.

[sionnain.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

thank you, sionn.

[omphale]

*hugs*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

thanks.

[lucifuge-5.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, V. Personally, I don't think your Kako was alone when she passed on. I wish I was with you, dear friend, so that I could offer you more comfort than these words.

As for regret, well, that is inevitable. I know you loved Kako and that every one of the choices you made regarding her care were so that Kako's quality of life could remain as high as possible. *hugs you again* You are in my thoughts.

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Luce.

[euphoricagony.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I'm crying here, reading this. I've still not gotten over having to suddenly let my cat go a couple of years ago. It's devastating. I know what you're going through - I chose not to be with my cat while they put her down because I just couldn't handle it, but I also regretted it in a way. I asked though, and they assured me that someone would be with her, comforting her. I'm sure the situation was the same for Kako. She was lucky to have you to love her so much. *hugs*

[verushka70.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's just hard, y'know? I just see reminders everywhere -- her medications, the extra kitty litter and cat food I bought, for her and Kailin (my other cat) and Nikita (the one that died a few weeks ago)... and now it's going to take forever to use it all up because I went from 3 cats to 1 in less than 6 weeks. And I find myself getting frustrated with Kailin, my remaining cat, but it's only because he's not Kako... doesn't act anything like her, isn't all snuggly like she was, is much more aloof in that sometimes aloof-kitty way... which is stupid but I can't help it. Like, she used to come into my bed at night and sleep by my pillow... and he only comes in when he wants something, and he never stays all night like she often did. And I just keep wishing I'd been there for her. Maybe it's better that I wasn't there, so I wouldn't have seen her struggling to breathe or their resuscitation efforts, but... I still can't help feeling bad.

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts/comments. It helps a bit to know I'm not alone in going through this.